So it’s Thursday, which means I’m finally fully recovered from my weekend, which means it’s finally time for me to start considering my future.
Throughout the years, I’ve embarked on a number of adventures. I’ve been the bell of the ball, I’ve been the crushed banana peel soaking in dip spit at the bottom of the garbage disposal, and I’ve been everything in between. The one thing I haven’t been is relatively successful, but all of that is about to change…
I have finally found my calling in life. Thus far, I have served as a ring tone composer, high school rapper, semi-pro quarterback, country music sensation, free solo climber, and now… Instagram fitness influencer.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Joe, aren’t Instagram fitness influencers just tremendously shameless narcissists who deflect their insecurities through the vehicle of social currency? Aren’t they passive-agressive, attention-grubbing douchebags who flaunt their physical attributes through disingenuous, self deprecating commentary? Aren’t they fucking braindead?”
And to that I say, yes… HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean I can’t influence the current climate.
The thing about being a social influencer, like myself, is that there are no days off. Everyone and their mother wants to ballwash the Marines, but no one wants to pledge respect for those who serve on the forefront.
For example, Marines only “serve” during their deployment; social influencer don’t choose when they serve. Social influencers need to be on call at all times of the day.
At any moment, there could be some doe-eyed chode in the heart of this great nation who’s in need of some high-octane, no nonsense motivation to live a healthier lifestyle. And where do you expect him to find that motivation? His doctor? His friends? His parents? His significant other?
OF COURSE NOT!
He’s going to open the Instagram app on his phone and scroll through a flood of images and videos featuring a bunch of slapdick blowup dolls ripping burpees in some outdoor gym off the coast of Saint Lucia, complimented by a Drake or Ralph Waldo Emerson soliloquy as a caption, complimented by an aggressive onslaught of mainstream hashtags.
So yeah, what people like me do is not only important, it’s essential. If I don’t exist, where are people going to find motivation? Where do they go to see what motivation looks like in breathing form? How will they be able to watch me hang clean?
Don’t thank me for my service, just like and subscribe…
— Joey Boats (@joey_boats)