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Casting the Battle of Winterfell with the 2019 Philadelphia Phillies

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Sunday’s Game of Thrones episode, “The Long Night” was the most anticipated episode of the season. Hyped up by many as what could have been the greatest battle scene in cinematic history, it was met with some complaints and disappointment. Similarly, our beloved Phillies season was hyped up to high expectations and met with a few bumps in the road. So, I’m going to recast Sunday’s GoT episode with the 2019 Phillies.

Jon Snow played by Gabe Kapler

Snow spend most of the battle running the show with a gameplan that had everyone scratching their heads. Every single person reading this has stumbled on a Facebook post over the last couple days from some random kid you graduated high school with but forgot about, leaving their remarks about how much better they would be as a general agains dead humans in a fantasy world. Sure, Snow didn’t have the most aesthetically pleasing plan, but somehow some way it worked out in the end. Gabe Kapler runs this baseball club the same way. He’s tamed down and shown some better judgment this season, but he’s always due for some questionable calls that have all the twitter heads complaining saying they’d do a better job than he does.

Arya Stark played by Rhys Hoskins

Arya coming in CLUTCH in this battle! Somehow avoids thousands of White Walkers to save the day and take down the Night King. Who better to fill this role than Rhys Hoskins (specifically the Rhys from last week). Dodging some bullets from Rhame and bouncing back with a devastating blow to that bastard the next night – I’d trust Rhys over anyone with my life on the line. Whether it be against some pitcher who wears nerdy glasses to the mound, or the leader of the dead he’s coming in clutch much like our girl Arya.

Tyrion Lannister played by Nick Pivetta

Poor guys just doing the best they can and being pushed down to the basement of their respective professions. Both guys putting it all on the line before it’s too late. Pivetta struck out 14 in his second triple A start trying to stand out amongst the bastards of the minors, meanwhile Tyrion looked to make amends to Sansa and stand out amongst the incest loving Lannisters. “Maybe we should have stayed married,” Tyrion told Sansa. “You were the best of them,” she said. Hopefully both these guys get out of the dog house and can show their true worth to their cities.

The Night King/White Walkers played by Jim Gott/the Phillies’ Bullpen

Everyone hates them and neither of these groups will go away. If you’re rooting for the good guys, and more importantly a good story, you wish you didn’t have to put up with either party. The White Walkers were a story since the beginning of the show, have teased with viewers since then, and then finally show up Winterfell and imploded, providing no value to the view that has been emotionally attached to something for years. Some episodes we didn’t have to deal with the White Walkers but they were always in the back of your mind.

This is the Phillies bullpen. Some games the pitching can pull a gem out of their ass, but we’re always nervously checking center field to make sure no one else is coming. And when we finally have to face the bullpen, they leave us with no sense of relief or closure. Having to watch 80something minutes of white walker bullshit only to get left with no answers is the equivalent of having to go through a full 162 game season with this bullpen.

Melisandre played by Maikel Franco

What do these two have in common? They come and fuck shit up when you least expect it. When was the last time we saw Melisandre? not sure, but when she shows up you know shit’s going down. Franco’s been a little streaky lately, missing from the lineup (offensively speaking), but just when you think he’s out he comes back firing. Melisandre lights army weapons on fire, Frano lights bats on fire.

*Hoping he doesn’t have a season/career ending injury because of this comparison

Bran played by the Phillie Phanatic 

These guys came into the biggest weekend of their lives. One celebrated a birthday with his closest furry friends while the other made it to the most anticipated battle of his young life. No one really has any idea what either one of these guys are doing. It’s part hilarious part creepy and disturbing but I wouldn’t want it any other way.

 

Go Phils!

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