The one thing I noticed more than anything else at the NFL Draft is that it’s one of the only instances in the world where it’s not only acceptable for grown men to cry, it’s encouraged. There were at least 256 “viral” videos of adult men crying in the arms of their mothers, grandmothers, girlfriends, baby mommas and their cousins that aren’t really cousins but will call them that in an Instagram post at least 6 times per year. We had 6th round draft picks who will mostly get cut before August openly weeping on national television.
And the funniest thing happened, no one batted a wet eyelash. In fact, we cried along with them. Millions of people quote tweeted these videos “i’m not crying, YOU’RE CRYING” and I truly believe these people were actually crying. Never mind the actual guys that got drafted, guys who bully women online and correct grammar on Twitter have had “something in their eye” for the past 2 days.
I’ve long been an opponent against grown men crying. Sorry Michigan Man, but beyond a few exceptions, there’s no bigger turnoff than showing emotion. Exceptions exist though, and here’s a breakdown of the occasions men can let the waterworks flow without looking like a pussy, according to my extensive internet research. Starting with getting drafted to the NFL, these include but are not limited to:
During any movie about dogs or real life situation that involves pets in any capacity
Animals are off limits. If you watch I Am Legend and don’t cry when *spoiler alert* the dog dies, you need psychiatric evaluation. I will never, ever take your man card for crying at a “soldier reunited with his dog after 2 years” or “old man gets new puppy after losing beloved family dog” video. A kitten making friends with a local turtle? Let it all out.
When Tiger Woods wins a golf tournament
My research on what makes grown men cry started when Tiger Woods won the Masters a few weeks ago. Guys were pretty much going on IG live and recording reaction videos of them crying in their red shirts. There was no shame, no fear of judgement…everyone just sitting emptying their eye sockets. It was probably such a release for them, holding in years worth of emotions for that one time they’re free to open the floodgates. I’ll let you have that one guys, even though apart from posting an in memorium for his family pet, there’s nothing Tiger Woods could do to make me cry.
When your wife/significant other walks down the aisle
Low key will be pissed off if my future husband doesn’t cry when he sees me walk down the aisle at my wedding. I didn’t suffer all these years to not have you acknowledge how lucky you are to have finally locked down a good one. Everyone knows you have to look at the groom when the bride is walking down the aisle. We’re looking for sniffles, rubbing of the eyes and making use of those monogrammed handkerchiefs. At this point you better force yourself because if you don’t cry on your wedding day your wife is going to be as angry as those girls on their bachelorette party in Nashville during the draft.
During any 30 for 30 or E:60 emotional sports special
Sports are the greatest theme for crying here and I’m all for it. I’ve been known to cry randomly when the Patriots run out of the tunnel, when Kobe scored 60 points in his final game ever or when Gronk retired. But an E:60 on Hurricane Katrina or the Humboldt Broncos hockey team? The barometer for 30 for 30 producers has to be showing it to a focus group of 3 guys and seeing if at least 1 cries. Guys may not want to admit it, but they love a good Sunday morning cry sesh.
When you’ve been traveling more than 10 hours
You want to find out who a person truly is? Be with them when a flight get delayed. Being in an airport or actively traveling for more than 10 hours is grounds for tears. If you need to take a minute in the family restroom to cry for a minute after dealing with a sassy airline attendant, slow and unsecure wifi and an $18 salad, you do you.
When your team drafts Daniel Jones at #6 overall
Pretty self explanatory here. Quite possibly nothing else left to do after your team drafts a Duke QB with the number 6 overall pick. What a shame for this to happen to Giants fans, what an absolute shame.