Okay, so this is going to be the biggest stretch of all time but I’m reaching for things to blog about today and I have nothing. Normally, pressure makes diamonds; however, sometimes you need to force a segue in order for content to manifest. That said, the “Notorious” Conor McGregor “retired” recently and it got me thinking: People LOVE McGregor, but approval ratings don’t necessarily insinuate someone’s the hero in a particular narrative. In fact, in some circumstances, it’s the exact opposite.
Ever since Tony Soprano broke the mold of what we as audiences view as a protagonist, we’ve thirsted for characters we could chastise, but also love. People love drama, and nothing builds drama like a solid villain. Say what you want, but guys like Paul Heyman, Alex Rodriguez, Bill Laimbeer, Roger Goodell, Barry Bonds, Toya Harding, and Don King are what gave their respective sports the boost it needed to transcend the cultural landscape.
Here at Branded, I kind of bull rushed my way into the “movie guy” role. In other words, I just started posting movie reviews before anyone else in an attempt to make myself seem less disposable. So far, I’m not sure if it’s worked but bullshitting your way through life is half the battle; the other half is pretending you like avocado.
So without further ado, here are the Top 10 Movie Villains of all time…
10.) Kurt Bozwell, Good Burger
For those who grew up in the 90s, your days were probably spent collecting Pokémon cards, exchanging Smash Mouth/Backstreet Boys Hit Clips, and bulldozing trans fat-infused garbage at the fast food chain of your parents’ choice. Good Burger’s narrative concerned the latter of those three things in your typical David vs. Goliath story that pinned the gritty, long-standing Good Burger against the new-age Mondo Burger. At the helm of Mondo Burger was Kurt Bozwell. Not only did Kurt look like the guy at every day drink who throws Sugar Ray on the speakers, he also enlisted the help of Carmen Electra to make an appearance in a Nickelodeon movie. That cameo led to a surplus of diabolical Google image searches appearing in my search history during the early 2000s.
Best Quote: “You mess with Kurt, you go in the grinder…”
9.) Global Warming/Climate Change, An Inconvenient Truth
There are very few movies I’ve seen where the villain ultimately prevails but in Al Gore’s 2006 cinematic masterpiece, An Inconvenient Truth, that’s exactly what happens. Since getting his ass kicked by the Supreme Court over the 2000 presidential recount in Florida, Al Gore has dedicated his existence to preventing global warming and he’s losing that battle too. Not only has Al Gore failed to stop the polar ice caps from melting, but he’s blaming the good people of Earth for it too. Listen Al, perhaps we’re the ones blowing holes through the ozone layer, but we’re also not the ones claiming to have all the answers. Either put up or shut up. This polar bear blood is on your hands pal.
Best Quote: *Seals crying*
8.) Hans Landa, Inglorious Bastards
First and foremost, I’m a HUGE Tarantino guy. He’s just one of those dudes with enough clout where he can just bulldoze through every rule you’re taught not to break in screenwriting class. People often tell you to keep it short and concise; however, with Tarantino, the longer the monologue the better, which was never more true than in Inglorious Bastards. To clarify: I told myself I would choose only one Tarantino villain. Therefore, it was between this and Calvin Candie from Django Unchained but I went with Landa almost exclusively because of the opening scene. In my opinion, it stands as one of the best written scenes I’ve ever seen, as well as the perfect way to introduce number 8 on this list…
Best Quote: “I love rumors. Facts can be so misleading, where rumors, true or false, are often revealing.”
7.) Logic, Every Horror Movie Ever
The one main constant in every horror movie ever made is that conventional logic is always the antagonist. While other movies at least attempt to implement rationale, horror movies avoid it like the plague. Throughout these movies, the protagonists refuse to reasonably address situations, thereby making logic a villain.
Disclaimer: This is an absolute stretch but I’m exhausted today and instead of fighting through my sluggishness with new material, I’m just going to recycle a rant from my personal blog. Sorry…
That said, here is why logic qualifies as a villain I guess (Idk, I’m dead tired dude…):
- The family has to inexplicably move to the shittiest looking house of all time. Normally this is because the father got a new job or something. At first, the family loves the antiquitous nature of the structure; however, the first time the mother/father sees a grey-looking children with blood flowing from its ears in the backyard, it’s NEVER enough evidence to say “Alright, let’s talk to the realtor about this shit.” For some reason, the family can NEVER just leave. In a stroke of rationale, the fact that every member of the family has experienced some supernatural occurrence is chalked up to a bad dream. Like nooo, grandma was watching me sleep last night and she’s been dead for 12 years. Dad, get your money back…
- There’s ALWAYS a scene where the mother or father uncovers a strange, unexplainable drawing that their kid has made. He or she will walk into the room, scan the sheets of paper scribbled with a Burnt Sienna crayon and finally stumble upon one that looks like a girl with hair covering her face or something. Then the parent will hastily ask “who’s this?” and the kid will say something ridiculous like “That’s the girl. She talks to me.” Dad, get your money back…
- Lastly, there’s ALWAYS someone—most often an old guy who lives in the neighborhood—that knows about EVERYTHING, but for some reason won’t inform the family. This dude just speaks in riddles and metaphors until the very end, where he finally clarifies what’s going on. Like, what does this guy have to win by not telling the family? Is he working for the real estate agency or something? Dad, GET YOUR FUCKING MONEY BACK.
Best Quote: N/A
I’ll update six through one at a later time. Peace…
Disclaimer (X2): This blog sucked…
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)