My Bring ESPN Back Manifesto


Man I loved ESPN. It was the greatest channel. I legit set my bedroom cable box to the station throughout college and then broke the remote. There was no need for it to change. Wake up to sports center. Come back from class to Stump the Schwab. Go back to class and come back and watch sports. Go to the bar. Come back drunk and watch espn. Sadly I haven’t watched the station since 2011. I got tired of talking heads and Lebron being jammed down my throat. CLUE: You don’t need high priced talent at ESPN. But we’re going to get to that.

Step 1. Your format should never change. Your target audience should be men from 18-54. These dudes hardly change their underwear so change is always bad.

Step 2. Your content should never be repetitive to the point where it’s Taco Bell. Same shit on a different day. What’s the point of watching then? There isn’t. It’s what has chased most of your viewing audience away. No more sniffing Lebrons ass and no more politics. Get political on your political news networks. We watch sports for athletic feats. It’s what we want.

Step 3. Your talent needs to be men and women that your viewing audience looks up to. Stuart Scott was a prime example of this. I’ll be beating the dead bush with him but seriously the guy was great at his job. You don’t need high priced talent at espn. Just talent that keeps your viewers captivated.

Back to format…

6am-9:30am SportsCenter

When I wake up I wanna watch a recap of everything and anything sports. Women’s soccer game was intense? Show it to me. I don’t want 50 Shades of Lebron on my tv. I frankly don’t give 7 shits and neither does anyone else. Give me Lebron, but in small doses and in the same allotment of time given to every other athlete. Bring in enigmatic hosts. No politics. No bullshit. No screaming at parking attendant bimbos. I want Chris Berman’s, Lindsay Czarniaks and Stuart Scotts. Cut to Jayson Starks and Adam Schefters when news breaks but don’t give these dudes more than 3 minute segments. This is SPORTSCENTER. Move on to the next sport. Rapid fire I want to take it all in.

9:30-10:00 Talking Head Show

I know you love your clown shows so I’m gonna give you a half hour to parade the clowns. Stephen A Smith can scream here for all I care. Again you don’t need high priced talent. Just actual talent.

10am-12pm;1pm-4pm Stump The Schwab etc

You know when I watch sports center from 10-12 and 1-4? When I’m home sick. Prime time for game show fun. Stump the Schwab was better than any price is right or who wants to be a millionaire. Bob Barker is long gone. It’s time to conquer day time television for male viewers again. Yes Stump the Schwab is past and not coming back but it’s not that hard to make fun Sports Themed Game Shows. Get it done. All those producers I’m sure they can think some shit up.

12pm-1pm SportsCenter

Want to know why a man is tuning in to ESPN at this time it’s his lunch break and he’s interested in what’s going on in sports. TELL HIM. Tell him how the draft pick that he wanted tore his ACL or how Robert Kraft got caught with a hooker. You have an hour. Run the news. Show a top ten and you’re golden baby.

4pm-6pm SportsCenter

Lets do it again. For the guys who didn’t get to take a shit break at lunch to watch sports center at noon. We’re all getting home let’s bring the days news and drama and shove it down their throats.

6pm-7pm Talking Head Hour

Yessir bring the talking heads to me. Let’s put Stephen A on a street corner and have him scream at people. Bring me the best to each break down their sports. I want Woj, I want Schefty, I want Jayson Stark, I want whoever the hell talks about hockey. Bring them to me here. We don’t need a full day of this horseshit. One hour. Pregame. Yes you heard me. Pregame.

7pm-10pm/End Sport

Don’t tell me with all that Disney money you can’t afford to bring the best game, or whatever game, of whatever sport you want each and every single evening. Shit pays for itself in advertising.

10pm-Midnight SportsCenter

Kill me with top tens and men mashing homers. I wanna hear the next Chris Berman making funky noises to feats of human athleticism the world has never seen. Please don’t slam Lebron down my throat. Give me tiny tads of him. If he didn’t do anything athletic then leave him out. That goes for any athlete.

12am-6am Vintage Sports

Find me game one of Sixers Celtics 1983. Fuck find me game 6 of the 1993 World Series. This programming costs nothing to make and will reap ratings. Drunk men coming home from the bar are coming back to chill out and pass out and get a tan from their tv. Sell subliminal advertising messages that make these men wake up and buy Dunkin’ Donuts or whatever the hell else you wanna sell us. Man it’s even prime time for World Series of poker and table tennis.

This isn’t some delusion that ESPN was once great and isn’t anymore. It’s the truth. It’s been a shitty product for years. I used to be able to walk into any of my 7 uncles homes and find sports center on. None now. I don’t know who has been running espn, but you have 20 stations and it’s all crap. Figure your shit out or hire me. Cause I’m sure most men reading this are down with my cause.


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