So it’s Tuesday, which is a great thing because, as I always point out, Tuesday means that movies are only $5 at my local theater. In other words, I can cruise down to the cinema to see some film I’d never entertain seeing unless it was Tuesday AND I can get popcorn all for under $45.
With that said, Missing Link is on the slate for later tonight; however, I’ve been thinking a lot about the new Avengers movie that premiers on April 26th and I have to get something off my chest: I’m a Thanos guy.
For the record, super hero movies were never my thing. Captain America and those other four clowns he operates business with are boring as hell, I fell asleep during Black Panther, Doctor Strange is okay I guess, and the Hulk is ehhh at best. In fact, the only reason I even streamed Infinity War was because of Spiderman, Robert Downey Jr., and the Guardians but you know what? I’m happy I did. Why? Because Thanos is the fucking man and I cannot, for the life of me, understand why anyone in their right mind would think otherwise.
Whether it be sports or entertainment or religion, our society has always taught us to root for the little guy. The underdog narrative is why cinematic masterpieces like Rudy and Rocky and Welcome to Mooseport have stood the test of time. People love to root for the unfathomable, which is why people still reference the tale of David vs. Goliath.
Furthermore, we’ve been conditioned to admonish and criticize those who have everything and manage to lose it all. We call the ’04 Yankees and the ’17 Falcons choke artists, we view Drago and the 1980 Soviet Union Olympic hockey team as weak-minded communists, and we minimize the careers of guys like Dan Marino and Charles Barkley because they could never win the big one.
So with that said, what’s the difference here? Are we just gonna pretend like Thanos didn’t grind out that win? Are we just gonna pretend like Vegas had him favored or something?
Strictly speaking, when you REALLY break it down, the Avengers fucking BLEW IT. I mean, last time I checked, there were roughly 50 super heroes in that movie and Thanos still took home hardware. And it’s not like he showed up with the Monstars or anything—he was playing with a bunch of absolute scrubs. Thanos was like LeBron during his first stint with the Cavs where he’d pour in 40/10/6 in a loss to the Pacers or Celtics in the opening round.
And everyone I bring this up to is like “But Joe, Thanos had the Infinity Gauntlet. Obviously, he was going to win.” Ummm yeah bro, but not at the start of the movie. From what I remember, he only had one stone when the opening credits ran; the Avengers were the ones who had the stones, and they coughed up ALL of them.
Talk about blowing a lead. I mean, outside of Thor and Iron Man (with a decent performance from teen Groot and Rocket off the bench), the Avengers got their shit kicked in. Just didn’t show up to play whatsoever. That red robot guy who died at the end had a plus minus of like -50 when it was all said and done. Just got ragdolled the ENTIRE movie.
Honestly, you’re telling me not ONE of them could’ve taken the Than Man out? He had no head gear or anything. He was just waltzing onto different planets in street clothes and kicking people’s teeth in. Even at the end, there was that scene where he gets stabbed in the chest and goes “You should’ve went for the head.” Like what? How did NOBODY try that?
Long story short, I’m rooting for Thanos in Endgame. Not only is he the clear overachiever here, but his justification for everything was pretty fucking reasonable.
All the dude wanted was population control and I’m fine with that. If it happened in real life, there’s a 50/50 shot I’d die, but if I don’t, my commute to work is cut in half. Not to mention, I’ll never have to buy another amusement park fast pass in my life. That’s a risk I’m willing to take.
Last thing: I guess Captain Marvel is supposed to be the one who puts the Avengers over the top. From what I’ve learned, she’s the ringer which, given everything I mentioned above, is absolutely preposterous. Everyone on the planet CRUSHED Kevin Durant when he went to Golden State; I’d expect the same reaction here…
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)