Before the weekend started people were wondering if this was the most electric week in sports all year, which is categorically false. Sure you had the NCAA championship, start of the NHL & NBA playoffs, The Masters…but all of those combined don’t equal that first Sunday in September when you can just sit on your couch eating and watch Red Zone all day. The real argument here is bigger than sports. Even though it’s a bright and sunny Spring day across the country, if you’re doing anything other than refreshing social media all day you’re the one with FOMO.
It begs the question: is this the most lit Sunday we’ve had on social media in the history of social media? Usually on the big social media Sunday’s we’ve got some awards shows or big games, but never the magnitude of content from the greatest trifecta in social media. Coachella, Tiger Woods and Game of Thrones.
Among the wide list of things I do not give a single fuck about, Coachella, Tiger Woods and Game of Thrones are in the top 100. I wouldn’t wear a crop top out of the house if you told me it would guarantee world peace. The thought of being crammed in an outdoor playpen with 6 million anorexic social media influencers wearing cutoff shorts, “space buns” and doused in glitter is the stuff that haunts my nightmares. Every year it gets worse. Coachella Instagram is the absolute worst place to be. None of these people have to work tomorrow, and they’re all just laughing together taking pics laughing at how they were able to use their physical appearance to avoid getting a real job. I’m so fucking jealous of it. No one knows or cares about anyone actually performing and if you played random sets with just “The Newness” Spotify playlist, no one would even notice. But don’t take that ferris wheel down or else there will be a revolution.
Coachella has clogged our feeds all weekend, so some of us poor souls move to Twitter. For a Lakers, non Tiger fan who has not watched a single Game of Thrones episode ever, it’s an ugly place.
Since Thursday all of the fuckboys across the planet have been holding their breath and their semen in, in hopes that Tiger Woods would return to greatness and win his first major in 11 years. I can’t imagine the release of emotion and bodily fluids the moment Tiger sank his last putt in his half turtleneck red altheisurewear top and unfortunately removed his hat to reveal what looked like a patch of grass after a dog has been peeing on that one spot for 6 months.
Triumph. Euphoria. Family.
Tiger Woods' 5th Masters title was something special.
— SportsCenter (@SportsCenter) April 14, 2019
Most people could only muster up a simple “TIGER!!!!” with a tiger emoji/GIF or an “I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING!!!” but there is no place in the world quite like Tiger twitter. Grown men getting emotional and intensely horny at the same time.
Dads everywhere were abruptly woken from their 12th nap of the weekend to share their excitement over their most advanced form of social media, text message.
No one has survived such a PR nightmare and came out on the other side better than Tiger Woods. I bet if you asked men in every state who they respect more, Tiger Woods or Tom Brady, you’d get one of those maps that show who everyone is rooting for in the Super Bowl when the Patriots are in it. Tiger may have cheated on his wife with every diner waitress in Florida and endangered the lives of others by driving under the influence and falling asleep behind the wheel, but come on how great is he for the sport of golf. Without Tiger, golf Twitter today would have centered around me cyber stalking Brooks Koepka and how his ass looks in golf pants and how funny of a name Xander Schauffele is. From 4am until 3pm, 99% of Twitter was all Tiger. The other 1%…
— Matt Cannon (@Cannon518) April 14, 2019
The other 1% was the only segment of Twitter more nerdy than Tiger Twitter; Game of Thrones. It’s been weeks of Buzzfeed quizzes “Tell us if a hot dog is a sandwich and we’ll tell you what Game of Thrones dragon you are!!” I swear everyone woke up today and went immediately to Twitter to make sure everyone knows where they will be at 9pm tonight. Forget the actual battles on the actual TV show, everyone is fighting to be the one to correctly guess who is going to die just so they can RT themselves. Even ESPN, who should be busy with maybe a few other things? was mixing it up with Game of Thrones Twitter for likes.
— ESPN (@espn) April 14, 2019
After the exhausting day I’ve had trying to avoid Coachella Instagram and Tiger Twitter, I don’t know if I’ll be able to manage Game of Thrones social media at 9pm tonight.
Hockey Twitter and NBA playoff Twitter doesn’t stand a chance in the first round. I heard the Celtics played today, and I didn’t see one Celtics tweet come across the timeline. Celtics pink hats couldn’t even make it into the game. Without LeBron hate to propel NBA Twitter today, all eyes were on Tiger.
— James (@JayCeeArr) April 14, 2019
As a fan of literally none of these things going on today, even I can’t name a better Sunday on social media in the history of social media than today. Three of the absolute most obnoxious, largest groups of people on social media all coming together to combat the Sunday Scaries…nothing like the Internet.