What’s The Best Sport To Watch on TV?

So as I write this, it’s the opening round of The Masters and, as we all know, Tiger’s fucking back. I’ve come to realize I’m probably in the 1% of Tiger fans on the planet. All I rock during my excruciatingly mediocre rounds is Nike, I’ve read nearly 5 books on the guy, and I’ve spent the last two years spearheading the “Tiger’s Back” campaign through the blogosphere. In other words, you’d be hardpressed to find someone who’d be happier to see Eldrick raise some hardware in a few days.

That said, we’re a few days out from that and I need something to talk about. Luckily, this year’s Masters coverage is an absolute shitshow, which comes as a surprise considering last year was so smooth. From what I remember, I was able to stream the entire 2018 tournament through The Master’s app, which I did at the office because my occupational integrity takes a back seat to Augusta.

This year, it’s a mess and I only sort of know why. For the record, I don’t do research because research is for pussies but my buddy informed me the reason there’s no televised broadcast right now is because ESPN owns the rights to the first two days of coverage.

Essentially, they’re refusing to broadcast that coverage in favor of America’s favorite, daily scheduled pre-3PM network lineup. In other words, ESPN is denying me the ability to potentially watch history so those two bullheaded morons on First Take can argue whether or not LeBron’s Lakers could beat the UCONN Women’s basketball team (keep in mind, I don’t do research so I could be wrong).

So yeah, instead of ogling Augusta’s pristinely groomed landscape on a 43″ 4K Panasonic, I’m switching back and forth between this WordPress dashboard and my “Featured Groups” tab; instead of being seduced by the smooth, sultry, eerily sexual phonetic capacity of Jim Nantz, I have to listen to these two douchebags update me on the botanical name of whatever tree Sergio Garcia is hitting behind for his fourth shot.

I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I’ve always preached that golf—although not the best sport—is the best sport to watch from a broadcast perspective. There’s just something about how serene everything is that gets my dad gears all hot and bothered. Not to mention, it’s BY FAR the best sport to watch from a fantasy perspective because there’s no investigation necessary.

Unlike football or baseball, you don’t have to do any added research to see how your guys are doing. If you have Antonio Brown on your fantasy team, you need to first navigate to the Raiders game (yuck) and then you need to navigate to see how he’s doing; with golf, the leader board is perpetually on the right hand corner and you’re likely to see at least one of your guys in real-time take a hack every minute. It’s basically OG Red Zone.

As for my prediction, it’s Justin Rose. He’s basically the Phil Mickelson of The Masters. In 2017, he gagged on the back nine and lost to Sergio Garcia; outside of that, he’s placed 2nd at Augusta twice. The guy’s been too good and too close for too long to not get over the hump this year.

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

Side Note: Jim Nantz’ pillow-talk game must be next level. He must just roll over after sex, gaze into his victim’s eyes and say something like “You just got piped by the Nantz” as he takes a long, calculated puff of one of those vintage, 1920s cigarette holders like Audrey Hepburn.

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