According To Science Men With Beards Have Small Balls

“Men with bushy beards and long hair may have smaller testicles than their counterparts who struggle to grow facial hair, suggests a new study.

This bold claim was made by a team from the University of Western Australia and the University of Zurich, who have studied the gonads of more than 100 different male primates as part of their research.

According to the scientists, male primates all fall victim to an evolutionary problem with their genitals.

Essentially the study found that males can either be “well endowed” and have large balls, or are instead “well-adorned” with hair.” Uk Mirror

Usually with this kind of thing I crack some jokes and say something funny.  I don’t know what to say with this one because it is so ridiculous and makes no sense.  These scientist say they studied monkeys, and hairy monkeys are proof that human beings with beards have small balls?  This can’t be true and I’ll explain why.

I have a big beard, I’m a beardsman.  Have always had a beard always will have a beard. If I have such small balls why do I always get pee on them in the bathroom?  Huh? Answer that for me scientists.  You can’t figure it out can you, because despite my big manly beard, I have huge balls that my penis rests directly on top of, because my balls are so big.

I even took steroids for a long period of my life and still have big balls.  Now to be fair, I don’t know if I even took them correctly.  It’s very possible I was injecting water into my ass and had no idea some guy just ripped me off of $400.  I won’t deny that being a possibility.  However, I still have a great large beard, still have big balls.  There are quite a few people I’m wondering about though, here’s my list of 5 possible small ball candidates.

1. Sarge

Screen Shot 2019-04-10 at 4.43.51 PM.png

This was the best picture I could find.  Anyway, does Sarge have small balls?  He is an alpha male, military guy, big beard, really funny and popular.  He is kind of like a Boston version of me with more bravery and maybe smaller balls.

2. Mike Babchik


Probably does.

3. Dan Bilzerian 


Have you ever dated a guy named Dan? Dan rhymes with man and men jerkoff and he was a jerkoff, with small balls.

4. Bearded Harry Mayes


A picture with Babchik makes me wonder…. Makes me wonder

5. Abe Lincoln


Wherever Abe is cryogenically frozen wake his ass up and find out if he has small balls.

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