I’m currently sitting on a flight, too cheap to pay for internet so the only logical thing to do is pop open the laptop and start a blog. I was feeling inspired by a couple sitting two rows behind me. They came onto the plane like a tornado of cigarette stink and misplaced anger. Arguing with the flight attendants because they just HAD to put their bags in the compartment directly above their seats. First off, if you refuse to put your bags in a compartment a row or two away from you, you’re the problem. Not the airline, you and really your parents too for raising such an unreasonable shit bag.
Also, quick pro tip for everyone out there. If you’re about to board a flight and you’re in group number 6 for example, go get at the end of the line when they call group 5. They will call your group while you’re in line, you’ll be first person in group 6, there will be plenty of space for your bags and the people working there don’t give a shit. You’re welcome.
Anyway, back to the lovely couple a few rows back that have more life regrets than combined teeth in their heads. They inspired me to share something I put together a little while ago. Before an episode of SIR I threw together the graph below and I think it’s completely fool proof. This is my Amount Of Shit You Must Take Graph. It’s an extremely simple formula but let’s break it down.
As you can see on the y axis (up and down is y correct?) we have the percentage of shit from a person you must take. Simple 0%-100%. On the x axis we have age of said person that is delivering their bullshit.
Starting left to right we have babies. They are the worst. They don’t care if you’re having a bad day or a great day. All they care about is crying, sleeping, eating and pooping. The world’s best baby would still be the equivalent of the world’s worst person. Don’t believe me, just picture having to take care of your best friend that constantly was peeing their pants, had to be carried everywhere, needed you to feed them and cried hysterically every time they didn’t get what they wanted. Probably wouldn’t be friends with them.
But babies have one thing going for them. They’re babies. Legally you have to take 100% of their BS. Wakes you up in the middle of the night, can’t be mad. Put on that happy face and get on in there. Now as babies turn to toddlers and as toddlers turn into children you see the graph starts to swing in your favor. Kids need discipline, they start writing on the walls with markers can’t just laugh that off. Have to start teaching the do’s and don’ts of the world. Mainly so they don’t grow up to ruin other people’s days. That’s really want parenting is. Just raise someone that most people don’t hate. No one is 100% loved and no one is 100% hated, just need a good 70/30 ratio and you can call yourself a successful parent.
That decrease in the amount of shit you must take will continue until it hits rock bottom. 1%.
That is all that you have to take from anyone age 20-23. Really simple reasoning as well, every person that falls into that age window is a piece of shit. Just going to college or right out thinking they know anything about real life. “I want to change the world and make everything free for everyone!!!” Yeah that’s great, now may I please have my coffee? If you’re 19 and about to turn 20 do us all this one solid. Until you turn 24 don’t have any opinions or at least don’t verbalize them.
Now let’s skip ahead to the right side of the graph. As you can see after 24 the graph starts trending back up. You’re paying taxes now, you have real life experience, people care what you have to say. You’re much less likely to be obnoxiously annoying so you get the benefit of the doubt. People can still check you when you start asking to talk to a manager because your KFC biscuits were a little too cold for your liking but at least you’ll get the conversation.
This trend keeps going until you get into those wonder years of life when you’re an old man or woman. 95 years old telling your great granddaughter that you think her haircut looks like garbage. Granddaughter wants to tell you to go get bent but you’re old so no harm no foul. 98% of the shit that falls out of your old face is A-Ok but there is always that 2% when Nana gets a little racist at thanksgiving and needs to be put back in her place.
So there you have it. Next time you are confronted with a person that’s unruly, annoying or just a flat-out ass hole, check the chart. Where do they fall? Maybe even ask them, excuse me sir how old are you? 26? Oh ok in that case go pound sand scumbag.
It really is fool proof.