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What’s really going on at Marshall’s and Home Goods?

I’ll be honest: I never entered either of these stores prior to 2016. They’re just not most men’s shopping cup of teas. Women love them. I’ve come to enjoy the trips I make with my girlfriend to Marshall’s and Home Goods but that’s because of the games I play.

1. What’s the ugliest thing I can find?

2. What’s the use of this item?

Playing both of these games have led me to a sudden realization:

These stores are selling premeditated murder.

You’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about huh? Yeah I’ll show you.

Why is this needed? Who needs a horn with a base like that? That’s right. Someone looking for something opportune to smack their husband in the back of the head with. Really look at the shape, it won’t take much force to do some major damage. Who would want to look at these in their homes? Someone who’s looking for something with great grip and a nice base to bash in skulls. If these two aren’t your style they have a whole other shelf of these prime skull bashers:

Have a way of pushing something useless and heavy onto someone’s head? This Dog is right up your alley. Unnecessarily heavy wiener dogs not your style? That’s fine. You can buy ugly ass rocks to drop on your targets head too.

Hell if you hate rocks there’s always Buddhas of all sizes. Hell if you love Gaudy large cumbersome things and their ability to crush a man when falling, shit they got tons.

If you’re worried about seasonal premeditated decor they got you covered too. Wide array of premeditated styles. Bunny’s with great grip and large useless cumbersome eggs with zero functionality.

Hell if anyone can tell me what function this has besides being a blatant murder weapon, I’ll shave my head.

So guys, start watching what migrates into your home. There might just be long term plans in those items future. Ladies. Yes, I’m on to you. Now only if I can figure out why you’re spending so much time in Target.

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