For those who’ve been living under a bomb shelter, a sequel to Space Jam is apparently set to release in 2021 starring Instagram/basketball legend LeBron James…
Given the resounding commercial/critical success of Dumb and Dumber To, Anchorman 2, Zoolander 2, Rocky V, Caddyshack II, Jaws: The Revenge, Son of the Mask, Exorcist II: The Heretic, Meet The Fockers, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Spider-man 3, American Psycho 2, Ocean’s Twelve, A Good Day to Die Hard, The Hangover: Part 3, Evan Almighty, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, Jurassic Par III, S. Darko, The Ring II, The Karate Kid, Part III, Paranormal Activity 2, Mean Girls 2, The Lion King 1.5, Friday After Next, Blues Brothers 2000, Seed of Chucky, The Matrix Revolutions, Superman Returns, and Legally Blonde 2, what could POSSIBLY go wrong?
Luckily, as Branded’s self-asserted “movie guy,” I decided to take a crack at what the movie may entail. Below is my potential plot/synopsis for Space Jam 2:
Wine enthusiast LeBron James—otherwise known as “King James” or “The Kid from Akron” or “The Greatest of All Time”—shines in his first role as wine enthusiast LeBron James—otherwise known as “King James” or “The Kid from Akron” or “The Greatest of All Time.”
One day after a particularly hard day of work at the Lakers facility, LeBron pulls his groin jacking off to his own Instagram account photos. The next day, LeBron informs the former talkshow-host-turned-president of basketball operations, Magic Johnson, he’ll be missing the rest of the Lakers season due to “load management.” Lakers fans everywhere rejoice, knowing their king will be receiving much needed rest for the offseason, where he plans on shopping offers from every other franchise in the NBA in an attempt to trade himself.
The weeks pass and LeBron finds a variety of ways to pass the time. During a particular taping of HBO’s The Shop (a talkshow LeBron created where sociocultural scholars like Antonio Brown confidently discuss stuff they don’t really understand, in a barbershop), the conversation reaches extraordinarily severe levels of woke, causing LeBron to compensate with extraordinarily severe amounts of wine, causing LeBron to pass out on the linoleum floor in a pool of his own self righteousness.
Suddenly, a spaceship smashes through the roof of the barbershop and abducts LeBron as Antonio Brown Facebook Live’s the entire event for contractual leverage against Jon Gruden, who has been actively looking to trade away the newly acquired generational talent for significantly less value.
Once aboard the space ship, we learn the aliens are in fact from Moron Mountain, a politically liberal planet located in the Microaggression Galaxy. The Moronians inform LeBron that glorified neo-Nazi, Donald Trump, had been threatening intergalactic invasion (using the great power of his newly established Space Force) to avoid a second Russian probe. As it turns out, Moron Mountain had been in exclusive talks with Russian President Vladimir Putin concerning technologically advanced nuclear weaponry. In exchange for that weaponry, Putin would agree to provide the Moronians with incriminating evidence concluding Trump conspired with Russia to win the 2016 election; thus, opening the window for an inevitable Elizabeth Warren presidency.
Now, here’s where things get weird: Understanding the potential, cataclysmic consequences of such a Russia/Moron Mountain nuclear deal, both parties conclude that, instead of war, they would settle their dispute through a single basketball game. Essentially, Putin would enlist The Monstars—a squad of Moronians (and LeBron) who had stolen talent from the 2018-19 Los Angeles Lakers—as an opponent to whoever Trump could assemble.
To recap: If Trump won, he would halt the exchange of nuclear weaponry/collusion intel and avoid war/impeachment; if Putin and the intergalactic liberal party won, Russian nuclear leverage would dissipate while the era of White masculinity would perpetuate until further notice.
“Easy,” Trump Thought, “America is the greatest basketball country on Earth; alas, I will simply enlist the finest basketball team our nation has to offer: the Golden State Warriors!”
So on Trump went, planning the biggest, greatest, and HUGEST abundance of Arby’s the White House had ever seen. Once Mexico pays for the feast, he receives a call from a Warriors spokesperson, informing him that the team would not be attending the White House in celebration of their victory. Simply put, there would be no discussion concerning the recruitment of Kevin Durant and company that day; however, that didn’t mean all hope was lost for Trump.
On a faraway planet known as Looney Toon Land lived the Looney Toons, a predominantly alt-right two-dimensional collection of cartoon characters who helped Michael Jordan defeat the Monstars in the original Space Jam because “Republicans buy sneakers too.” The only issue now was that Michael Jordan is no longer the dominant force he was for the Washington Wizards, so after they received the White House call, Trump and the Looney Toons knew they needed help…
After a quick call to Carmen Electra’s former husband/US Ambassador to North Korea, Dennis Rodman officially signed to a one-game contract. Trump is then able to trick Tristan Thompson into signing on the dotted line after Thompson misread “Toon Squad” for “Poon Squad.” Shortly after, Thompson was found fulfilling every 7-year-old ’90s kid’s dream by rawdogging Lola Bunny over a massage table in one of the various Orchids of Asia establishments scattered across Looney Toon Land (the other Looney Toon Land, also known as “Florida”). Both were cut from the team due to “load management” and the Toon Squad was in yet another hole.
Suddenly, Carmelo Anthony—who had evaporated into a gaseous state following his release from the Houston Rockets—regenerates himself back into NBA LIVE 2005 form, ready to play. If anyone could take down LeBron James, the Monstars, and Vladimir Putin, it was the guy who poured in 37 points against Nigeria during the 2012 Summer Olympics…
The game was set: LeBron James and the Monstars were set to face the lineup of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Carmelo Anthony, some WNBA player, and Dennis Rodman…
The game starts and the Toon Squad gets TUNED UP in the first half. Through 24 minutes of play, Carmelo Anthony’s heroic 4/38 (1/17 3pt) shooting performance isn’t enough to subdue the offensive onslaught administered by the Monstars.
During halftime, seemingly all hope is lost until the always wacky national treasure Kevin Hart storms into the locker room. After spewing a series of raunchy, unpredictable, and wacky jokes, the WNBA player looks at Kevin Hart, picks him up, dunks him in a trash can (while Kevin is hollering lolz), and defiantly claims “This is a women’s game.” The Toon Squad is IMMEDIATELY empowered!!!
Motivated by the WNBA player’s emphatic demonstration of gender equality, the Toon Squad STORMS back, led by Carmelo Anthony hitting 4 of his first 16 shots in the third—
I’m not going to lie: I’m crunched for time and I just realized I’ve spent the last 45 minutes writing a fake Space Jam 2 synopsis so, in an attempt to salvage my integrity, I’m just going to add a Part 2 later…
– Joey Boats