When I was a kid I asked my dad on the way to Veterans Stadium: “Why don’t you and Sal wear gloves to the game?”
“Because we are men, only children wear gloves to the game.”
My dad was right. If you’re a man you grab that ball out of the sky with your bare hands. That’s your price to pay to get that ball. If it’s a foul ball you better be giving it to a kid. If it’s some shitty player’s home run ball maybe I give it away. A Harper it’s mine. But I catch it with my hands. I present to you the opposite:
Name: Zack Hample
Claim: Professional Homer Catcher
Rating: Total Shitstain
Zack Hample came into my sites late Sunday night. I just watched Bryce Harper laser another Citizens Bank Park Homer and I was shocked to see people upset at who caught the ball. I figured some Braves fan did. Wrong. “Professional Ball Collector”👀 Zack Hample caught the ball, with a glove and knocked kids and Phillies fans out of the way so he can do so. Scumbag move man. So I looked further into it.
“I think you’re the worst man in America.” – Conan O’Brien
I couldn’t agree more Conan. There’s something to be said about an Adult Male who has the ability to go to as many baseball games as he’d like in order to take joy out of the hands of Children and the true fans of the Home Team. I wondered: How did Zack get so lucky to afford this very expensive expedition. The way many silver spoon Americans afford their pastimes: His father was a famous Author. Oh so you’re doing this by living off your father. Good job man. I would’ve felt less disgusted if he was a tech billionaire or something.
Pictured: Zack playing baseball in Cuba, in Flip Flops
I would feel better about this Guy if I didn’t think his Philanthropic works where others donate money for things he does were actually coming out of his own pocket. Yes that’s right. The money that’s donated is from people who sponsor him based on the number of balls he catches. Then there’s this:
I am deeply sorry for going to Fort Bragg. There's lots of misinformation, so here's what really happened: pic.twitter.com/nld9YgGXAe
— Zack Hample (@zack_hample) July 4, 2016
In 2016 there was a game being held at Fort Bragg. The game was for Military Personnel and their guests. as you can gleen from his apology he’s just sorry he got caught. The dude posted ads on billboards to try and get to that game. He then acts like he didn’t try catfishing military men and women on tinder to try and snag what he calls a platonic date to the game. Glad I have followers who were on top of this and called the asshole out:
asshole. You're sorry you got caught. Should've been a soldier in the stands
— ThirdMan (@thethirdman05) July 5, 2016
Bottom line, Ban him from baseball. Adult Virgin Golden Spoon Zack Hample is bad for Baseball.
So let me get this straight: I'm a piss-baby cowardly weasel-douche loser piece of shit goober-nerd-jackass-clown-motherfucker who needs to grow up, get a wedgie, eat shit, get arrested, have crippling diarrhea, and stop bringing my glove to games? Cool, I'll get right on that. pic.twitter.com/RPAvwYN6LB
— Zack Hample (@zack_hample) April 2, 2019
Damn Zack you pegged yourself right.