“A scantily-clad Cornish man has gone viral after his bizarre ‘sex dance’ with a pheasant.
Farrier Steve Phelps stepped in help a client who was having problems with a territorial pheasant on his land – armed only with a hat and half a G-string.
The pheasant had become so aggressive that every time the man went out on his ride-on lawnmower the bird would attack him, clawing him in the face with its sharp talons.
Sometimes in life, you have to do what you have to do. If a pheasant is running a muck on your farm and you need to assert your dominance, you sex dance that pheasant. You have no other options. You have to do what must be done. In this case you sex dance and angry bird until it falls in love with you. You make it calm and easy-going and then you make sweet love to it. In fact I think I have an import “Ru How To” on this situation right now.
“Hello folks, welcome to an impromptu edition of Ru How To, I’m Ru. Today I am going to teach you how to sex dance. Sit back and relax and let me take you away. Sex dancing is tough, you have to know what to do and you have to do it well. Pheasants, women, prison wife it’s all pretty similar. Don’t worry though I can get you through all of this without any struggle.
So you’ve decided to sex dance to assert dominance over a loved one. You’re not going to have any margin for error. You have to be perfect or you’ll lose out on the greatest night of passion in your life. First thing you need to do is go buy cowboy boots. Cowboy boots are manly and everyone know’s a man in cowboy boots is a man who is dominant. Think about it, Walker Texas Ranger, cowboy boots, Arnold Schwarzenegger has worn cowboy boots, those are two dominant guys right there. Go out and get a nice black pair after you do that go get a banana hammock. We’re talkin dick thongs folks. It’ll make you look girthy. Everyone know’s girth over length. Trust me. Get a black one because your penis will look bigger in black. Next you want to go home and find your pretty lover of whatever species and walk up to her in your sex dance outfit.
You see your lover, in bed, the barn, the field, possibly the prison shower. Walk in making eye contact and stroke your chin, this is symbolism for stroking something else, we’re talkin ego’s folks. Put on some music, I suggest something powerful and strong, maybe “These boots are made for walkin”
And that’s it, this blog was really just a long con to watch prime time Jessica Simpson in this music video.