Welcome to another edition of Ru how to, I’m Ru. Today I am going to walk you through picking up women in a bar. It’s never an easy task to pick someone up in a bar. You’re like a hungry lion surrounded by hundreds of other lions all looking for one succulent Gazelle. It’s a tough situation, the chemistry, the moves, what do you do, how do you do it? These are all questions you’ll never ask yourself again after you sit back and read my blog. Put on some music and put your feet up, let me teach you the ways of picking up women in a bar.
You and your buddies have made plans. You’re going out tonight and you’re spending your entire Saturday preparing. Drinking water, carbo loading and doing push ups. The excitement has gotten so great that you’ll need to calm yourself down. The first thing you’re going to need to do is jerk off. I KNOW! You want to keep all of the energy built up but this is a marathon not a sprint. This is preparation time. This is the practice before the game. Everyone always see’s 10% of your on the field work and never the 90% of stuff before hand. It doesn’t need to be a good one, just get that evil spud out of you. That’s the spud that will make you say and do dumb thing’s, release the evil.
It’s noon, you’ve had your breakfast and 3 bottles of water, time to hit the gym. You don’t usually workout but you need to have a nice pump going into tonight. Who know’s what lady will grab your chest and arms. You’re doing all glamour muscles today pal. Chest and biceps, don’t even look at a squat rack, just workout like you do every other day of the year. Curls for the girls baby. Once you finish up in the gym grab another bottle of water and carbo load some more. Grab some peanut M&M’s and make sure you get those bad boys down. the carbs are in the candy, he protein is in the peanuts. It’s the perfect snack. You have no time to shower, get in your car and head to the mall.
You’re going to need to pick out an outfit. Sure none of these people at the bar have seen you before but the old saying goes. “Look good, feel good, play good.” You’re going to want to dress based on time of year. Keep in mind that doesn’t matter. 7 degrees out of 70 and women are going to wear skimpy dresses so don’t be a bitch and get a shirt that shows off your pump. I’m talking Ed Hardy, Aero, American Eagle, American fighter, all the bad kinds. You’re going to want to buy one of those. Something to keep in mind when shopping. Make sure you only try on shirts that have multiple selections in your size. You never buy the shirt you try on. Grab two mediums of the same shirt try one on and if you like it and want it, buy the other. Don’t even worry about folding it and putting it back. Throw it on the floor, retail people don’t mind that at all.
You’ve got the outfit, you’re ready to go. Get home another bottle of water and it’s time to jerk off again. As game time approaches you’re getting overly excited and need to calm down again. Get off, finish another bottle of water, it’s probably around 4pm so it’s time for a power nap. Set your alarm for 6pm. No later, no earlier this will get you ready intake for the game. You’ll have the perfect amount of energy ready for picking up chicks.
It’s 6pm. The last-minute preparations are here. Watch some TV get in the mindset imagine the night going exactly how you want. You’re the underdog! Nobody believes in you but you can do this! It doesn’t matter what obstacles are in your way, you’re going to score! They will remember you on this day, they will talk about you for ages and talk about your triumphs, this man right here is a legend! Say it to yourself and say it loud! You are a titan! Now get int he shower and scrub down and get clean, smell good only your finest shampoo but while you’re in there come up with a back story. You can’t be yourself. You have to be someone else. Nobody wants to sleep with you, but you can make someone who people do want to sleep with.
You’re a vet, no not a man int he Military you’re a veterinarian. Nobody can argue with you on that. If they ask you how you know an animal is in pain? You just say you press down all over their body and wait for a yelp. (Jokes and blog aside trust me this actually works, this is the one thing in this blog I am being serious about) You have your back story, you’re dressed, the pregame with your friends is over and the uber is here. The drive over is one long walk out of the tunnel onto the field. Get ready, kickoff has arrived. Game on.
Dont rush into things. I know you want too. It’s hard to win a game int he first 5 minutes, but you can lose in the first 5 minutes. Get yourself a beer, put out the cool guy look. Stand around with your buddies hand in pocket beer in hand looking cool. You’re just setting out the vibe for the bar. trust me every lady in there is looking at you like a piece of ass they want. They see your American Eagle shirt and they want to see it on their floor. They know you worked out today and they want to dig into that flabby chest and stretchy gut like a hyena on scraps! Don’t blow your cool. I’m going to tell you what to do just follow my lead.
Find your prey, maybe in 2019 with the me too movement we don’t say prey. Find your lover. Look all over, find the one you want. Make eye contact with her, just look at her and stare her down until she looks at you. Might take 60 seconds might take 600 seconds but you hae a mission. Once she finally makes eye contact wink. It’ll moisten her up. Look away and remember who she was. She will start looking for you, her one true bar love. Go buy another beer, you’re going to start double fisting and looking real cool. No lady can resist a man who double fists.
Once you buy your beer walk up to her beer in each hand and look her dead in the eye and say “Hello boo” She’ll look at you curious in wonderment not sure what to make of this strapping man with his big biceps and Ed Hardy T-shirt. Tell her you’d like to buy her a drink. She will oblige. Once the drink gets there pretend like you’re putting a roofie in her drink. She will find that very funny in this day and age. You’ll notice your chemistry is off the charts. Lean into her ear and act like you have to say something and don’t. Leave her on the edge of her seat. It’s mysterious, girls love that. Pretty soon you’ll notice a wet spill on the floor under you. Don’t worry, that’s from her.
She coud not be more turned on and more into you. You’re conversation is off the charts and you’re having the time of your life. Say to her, “Hey my friends bet me I won’t go home with you, *point to your friends* If we could pretend to leave together I’ll split the money with you.” She’ll laugh and you’ll get up and walk out together. Now you’re standing outside, the venmo from your buddies just came through. Time to close the deal.
She’s going to ask you to venmo her, her half. Tell her you’ll venmo her the entire thing if you can see her place. No lady can resist the urge of more money. Once you get to her house you’re in the clear. She won’t let you fuck, but your friends will think you did and that’s all that matters. Get an uber and go home, go jerkoff again because it’s less work than sex anyway. Congrats on a great night. You won, you’re a legend.
Let me wobble back to my corner, Joe Pa knew.