Okay, so the only thing anyone has been talking about over the last couple days has been March Madness. In the words of the youth, this tournament has been “Swag AF” so far. Per usual, there have been a handful of major upsets and, per usual, I’ve called all of them (except Murray St, but I actually texted my group chat that they’re the easiest upset call of the tournament and then went against them because I’m anti-establishment). Anyway, I have bigger fish to fry…
Last night I watched the Oscar-winning documentary, Free Solo, which follows Alex Honnold as he attempts become the first person to free solo climb El Capitan—a 3,000 foot-high granite monolith that has become one of the most prominent rock climbing objects in the world. This morning I followed it up by watching The Dawn Wall, another rock climbing documentary that follows Tommy Caldwell and Kevin Jorgeson as they attempt to scale the Dawn Wall, which I guess is a face of El Capitan that was deemed impossible to climb.
Long story short, Free Solo has received the most critical/popular acclaim but I can definitively claim I thought The Dawn Wall was better. Either way, that’s not the story here. The story is that I’m a God damn world class athlete with a lust for the extreme.
In the past, I’ve tried out for a semi-pro football team to ignite my quarterback comeback story; I’ve started a country band; and as I type this before you, I can officially announce that I will be embarking on my journey to become the first person to free solo climb the Dawn Wall, and I’m going to do it before the end of the year.
Just to recap: Alex Honnold free solo climbed (so WITHOUT ropes or anything) some random face of El Capitan that people have climbed with gear before; Tommy Caldwell/Kevin Jorgenson rock climbed (so WITH gear) a face of El Capitan that most rock climbers considered impossible to scale; I’m going to double down and free solo climb the Dawn Wall.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “But Joe, you’ve never rock climbed in your life? What makes you think you can scale the most notorious climb in history with nothing but the clothes on your back?”
Well, because I’m a God damn world class athlete, that’s why. With all due respect to these other guys, they’re fucking losers. They were the kids who spent their high school days getting shoved in lockers; I was the one doing the shoving, which built up my upper body strength. Not to mention I SMASHED my middle school’s pushup record and performed serviceably during the pacer test (cardio’s for pussies though; I just do it for sex purposes).
Furthermore, my strongest quality is is my mental fortitude. I’m Fort Knox between the ears. While lesser athletes look at El Capitan and cower in its divine nature, I see it as an obstacle to immortality. Also, my middle name is Dan, which is 50% of the word “danger” and my psychological potential is “limitless”—like that Bradley Cooper movie, Silver Linings Playbook.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Okay Joe, so clearly you have the natural, God given athletic ability to accomplish such a feat, but why?
Well, I can’t really explain it. I just HAVE to…
Ever since around 10 AM this morning, I just knew I was destined to be the greatest free solo climber this beautiful ball of green and blue has ever seen, and the second I laid my eyes on El Capitan, I couldn’t help but think one thing: “I must mount this beautiful beast.”
Training starts Monday…
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)