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Basic Bitchin’: Please Stop Fan Shaming Everyone During Free Agency

The NFL offseason is a stressful time for most fans. Every March all 32 teams are in the market for new players from free agency, trades or the draft. Most owners and GM’s seemingly have no idea what the fuck they are doing but for some reason the fans of the team think that they have a better grasp on what moves their team should make and get irrationally angry when they don’t. But that’s our job as fans so stop trying to fan shame us.

For 31 NFL teams, March is a time filled with hope, promise and potential. For the Patriots it is for restructuring contracts and re-signing Brandon Bolden. I’m pretty sure though that legally as fans, no matter what your team is doing this offseason you are allowed to have an opinion on it.

Giants fans are allowed to be devastated and heartbroken after losing Odell for no reason whatsoever. Cowboys fans can be pissed they learned about missing out on Earl Thomas from the official Cowboys Twitter account announcing he had signed with the Ravens. Ravens fans are probably bummed to see Terrell Suggs change uniforms even though he is a garbage human being that should be hard to root for. There’s nothing worse than losing your favorite player or having your dream free agent pickup sign somewhere else. So let’s stop shaming people for being upset.

My least favorite sector of Twitter are the NFL insiders or experts that chirp back at fans for being upset. Leave us the fuck alone. I don’t work in a cube for 10 hours a day to have my only outlet for complaining and criticism of other people destroyed by someone who knows more about football than me. I don’t want to know that someone fits better in a 3-4 defense when my team runs a 4-3. And I really don’t need fans of the team where the player I want is coming from to tell me how the wide receiver I want dropped a lot of passes last year or that he “lost a step”. I just want to fucking sign him for a billion dollars and be happy.

As Patriots fans we’ve learned that championships aren’t won in March but we still want to be a part of the fun too. We want to retweet cool graphics and photoshopped pics of our new players welcoming them to the team. I get it. We know in the long run that the Patriots could activate Josh McDaniels at wide receiver and we’d still end up in the AFC Championship. We’re all glass half empty here in New England because we’re looking at 7 feet tall brown snowbanks until June. We’re cold, fat and it’s been a month since we won our last championship. If we want to complain on Twitter that the Patriots should have signed Golden Tate or Cole Beasley because all we know is slot receivers, let us do so in peace.

The Patriots media and those associated with the team thinks that fans are the worst for aggressively tweeting how stupid Belichick is for letting Trey Flowers go or for signing Maurice Harris when in reality they are the worst for getting all in my mentions telling me that I know nothing about football. Yeah no shit I sell carpet for a living and you are a paid NFL analyst. Get off Twitter and let me go back to bitching and moaning that the Patriots didn’t give Wes Welker $6 million dollars in 2013.

This all started because of this tweet from Matt Chatham that got me triggered.

Let’s be clear: no one reeeeeeeeeeeeally understands professional football. Hue Jackson has been employed by at least 15 teams. We’ve had to listen to Bart Scott, Keyshawn Johnson and Sal Palantonio criticize NFL teams all day and I can find a handful of unverified Twitter accounts that have better opinions. Do I have to stop being a football fan just because I don’t care that the Patriots signed Brandon Bolden? Might be a popular lock room signing and good for special teams but the Patriots chances of winning or losing a Super Bowl to not land firmly on Brandon Bolden’s shoulders. I’ve never enjoyed watching him play running back and I was not really that excited when the Pats re-signed him. I guess I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally understand professional football and am now exposed as a failure. Pretty sure if you ask my parents that happened years ago but fine with me.

Would be a real shame if Matt ever had a moronic take and someone exposed it and called him out. Matt’s entire Twitter is a live action SNL Debbie Downer skit. It’s not just limited to Patriots takes.

It’s not my job to make roster decisions and manage the salary cap, but it is my job as a fan to criticize every move whenever I see fit. You think I’m critical of how Bill Belichick manages free agency? You should see me on Hinge.

Doug Kyed seems like a pretty cool guy but if you’re looking to trigger someone online, look no further.

To be completely honest here, Matt Slater probably SHOULDN’T be listed as a WR on the depth chart. If Matt Slater is on the field lined up as a wide receiver, something has gone very wrong. Why is Doug so concerned that he would make a Spongebob meme out of it? Get a good chuckle and roll your eyes and move on with your day. Matt Slater is listed as a WR, it’s stupid but it’s how things work. Feels like that settles it.

He literally asked people to submit fan questions on Twitter just for the chance to mock them. If you want to give us the power to air out our idiotic questions on Twitter, you better be prepared to answer them.

The best thing about Twitter is there are no fucking rules. If you want to tweet that Gigli is the best movie of all time, I can’t stop you. If you want to spend 16 hours asking Lane Johnson if he’s having fun, that’s freedom of Twitter speech. Bill Belichick isn’t scrolling Twitter wondering who @angrypatsfan69 thinks should be inside linebacker so why does it matter?

If a fan of any team thinks a certain player would be a good fit on his/her squad, LET US FUCKING COMPLAIN WHEN THEY SIGN WITH THE GIANTS OR THE BILLS. Complaining about the complaining is marginally worse than the complaining itself. I’m sure if you ask fans of any team they’ll have a million Matt Chatham’s and Doug Kyed’s trying to tell them how to feel about the roster moves and the sentiment is universal: HOP OFF MY DICK.

@aliweitz

@badgalstoolie

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