Okay, so there are a laundry list of questions that flood my cerebellum on a regular basis. I’m a functioning psycho so my car rides are essentially spent arguing with myself—often ostensibly—about stupid shit that other non-neurotic, normal humans wouldn’t entertain in a thousand years. That said, yesterday, my buddy referenced some tweet that Chris Evans sent out regarding his top 5 favorite bags of chips or something. Here’s what he listed…
Now, I’m not here to butcher Chris Evans’ character even though he’s Captain America—which means he’s trying to make America great again, which means he’s a bigoted Trump supporter who would feed on the flesh and blood of progressives if given the chance—but there needs to be some sort of repercussions for a list like this. I’m not suggesting anything severe, but I think a proper punishment would be to drill a railroad spike up his ass, blindfold him, and shove him into a crowded intersection.
Impromptu side note: I’m currently typing this in the library because I’m an intellectual. I’m also packing a lip because I’m the man and there’s this dude roughly 10 yards away from me perusing the shelves who keeps throwing his head back in disgust every time I reach for my Aquafina bottle. Like okay bro, I get it’s gross but suck it up. The library’s a public place, you’re wearing a peacoat in 50-degree weather, and you just pulled Anthony Bourdain’s biography off the second shelf—fuck off.
Normally, I don’t entertain lists like this because I’m not a beacon of frivolity. When I grab my black coffee and park my ass in front of my Macbook Pro, I’m looking for the journalistic version of blood; however, I just morally couldn’t let a list like this slide.
I understand Evans’ list exclusively concerns the Frito Lay 30-pack variety box of chips but I’m going to open the dance floor here a bit. I need real estate when I address lists like this. I like elbow room, which is why my list will concern the top 5 “chips” you can buy. And when I say “chips” I’m essentially including anything you can purchase at a convenience store that comes in a bag, outside of gummy worms and all that garbage. With that said, let’s get into it…
5. Cheetos Puffs
Before I go any further, allow me to hammer down the fact that I am referring to Cheetos PUFFS and not those shriveled sticks of rubbish that Cheetos has reprehensibly decided to assert as their brand ambassador over the last decade. For those who remember, Cheetos Puffs used to be the de facto Cheeto in the 90s/early 2000s. In terms of baked cheese puffs, it was Cheetos Puffs, as well as those Planters Cheese Balls (the ones that came in the can with the tennis ball lid) that ran the block. That alone is enough to earn them the number 5 spot on our list. Not to mention, Chester Cheeto’s the fucking man. Just a raging, sunglass-wearing pedophile who’s dangerously cheesy. Gotta love it.
4. Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream
This, at least in my estimation, seems like it would be a fan favorite. You literally can’t stumble upon a vending machine in this country without running into a bag of these bad boys, and with good reason. Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream is BY FAR the best variation of Ruffles money can buy because Ruffles are easily the worst potato chip in the game. I don’t care who you are or what you stand for; if you think Ruffles are the best sheer potato chip, you’re a dirtbag. The only style of potato chip that could be considered worse is Pringles (which are deplorable) and Wise (which are poor).
3. SunChips French Onion
Above all else, I’d like to clarify that someone could also place the original SunChips here and I wouldn’t have a problem. With SunChips, you’re going for something different. In a world of potato chips and baked cheese puffs, SunChips offers you diversity. It’s the same reason I always throw Taco Bell at the tail end of my favorite fast food places—it’s not necessarily good, but it offers you something different from the burgers/fries that seemingly every other place offers. That said, the reason I went with the French Onion ones is because I think they were actually the original flavor. Back in high school when I started seeing these things on the shelf, the only one I could find was the french onion; for some reason, all I can find now are the cheddar ones and those things are for plebeians. If I want cheddar, I can go to virtually any other chip company.
2. Doritos Nacho Cheese
Okay, let’s just get something straight right out the gate: Cool Ranch Doritos are great, but they are the most overrated bag of anything ALL TIME. Cool Ranch has become fuckboy central and I’ll be damned if it beats out the OG on my list. Nacho Cheese is wholesome. Nacho Cheese is natural. You marry Nacho Cheese. It’s simple yet effective, and in other words, the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of the chip industry, which is why it lands in the 2 spot on my list.
Side Rant that has become one of my favorite rants of all time: So Taco Bell created Doritos Locos Tacos, which are basically Doritos flavored tacos. Then, Doritos countered with Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos, which are Doritos flavored Tacos flavored Doritos. In other words, it’s only a matter of time until Taco Bell’s unveiling of Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Doritos Locos Tacos, which would be Doritos Locos Tacos flavored Doritos flavored Doritos Locos Tacos…
1. Chex Mix Bold
Listen, I’m not in the business of satisfying the masses; I’m in the business of telling the truth. Say what you want but Chex Mix qualifies as “chip” based on my criteria. As I suggested, this won’t satisfy most but it’s my list, which means I get to decide what goes. Bold Chex Mix is a titan of industry and I’ll be damned if anyone can convince me otherwise.
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)