Okay guys, so it’s Friday and we’re roughly 3-4 days removed from the “controversy” of the week. That “controversy,” for those unfamiliar, concerns college administration offices throughout the country. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Joe, the virtuous landscape of higher learning is involved in corruption?!?! Say it ain’t so!!!”
Well, I’m sorry to report such a fact, but yes, it is. This time, the scandal is a little convoluted. There have been roughly 2-billion articles written on this bullshit since it broke but here’s the gist of things:
On Tuesday, the federal government indicted this college admissions consultant from Cali, William Singer, as well as 33 financially loaded parents—most notably, actresses Lori Loughlin (Aunt Becky from Full House) and Felicity Huffman—for crimes that included bribery and racketeering. Essentially, these people were all involved in elicit behaviors intended to fraudulently get their children into specific colleges.
Now, as with any scandal of such nature, the media needs a recognizable “face” to generate social traction. All these self-righteous, Twitter-dwelling paragons of virtue need something palpable to sink their fangs into. It’s the same reason why Robert Kraft got his pipe cleaned in Florida and suddenly became the face of human trafficking. If there’s no one to drag through the mud, the article gets buried under a laundry list of baseless Trump fodder.
So yeah, Aunt Becky’s been getting absolutely pumped online over the past few days. She’s officially gone through the Internet’s car wash of shame. Multiple sponsors have disowned her and every fat, lowlife clown with wifi access has sweated Mountain Dew Code Red over their keyboard in attempt to craft the most cleverly manufactured “outraged” soliloquy. Don’t pull a rotator cuff patting yourself on the back here, guys…
And therein lies my point: Does anyone actually care about this, or has social media just conditioned us to react this way? I mean, you would have to be a real mouth-breathing moron to see a story like this and gasp. In fact, here are a list of things you’d have to be oblivious to in order to be shocked/appalled by this story… (PLEASE REMAIN SEATED)
- People suck
- Meritocracy is a myth
- Money can be used as social currency
- The NCAA is an impressively corrupt entity
Now, if you’re someone who was unaware of those four things (or even just one) then I’d advise you to take a walk out of your bomb shelter once or twice every decade—the apocalypse already happened.
I mean, let’s be real for a second: using monetary leverage to receive favorable treatment from university admissions offices has been going on for, well, ever. You ever take a stroll down a University hallway and see that bronze plaque with the name “Harold Douchebag III” or something on it? Okay, you remember that complete, unmitigated dirtbag you got stuck with for that Media Studies final exam project? Well yeah, they’re related…
Strictly speaking, this stuff has been going on FOREVER; the only difference with this story is that these parents carried out their actions explicitly. That’s literally it…
Since Branded is a sports site, the best way I can explain this situation is that it’s similar to baseball and its unwritten rules. For example, a few years ago, Yankees’ pitcher Michael Pineda got yanked and suspended by the MLB for using pine tar to manipulate pitches/gain a better grip on the ball. For those keeping score, pitchers do this all the time; the only difference was that Pineda had globs of that shit slathered on his neck like an asshole. It was one of those prototypical “Alright, dude…” moments and that’s EXACTLY what you have with this situation.
When it’s all said and done, the only thing these people are guilty of is committing bribery and racketeering “by the book.” Simply put, they overthought something that could’ve easily been accomplished through a Venmo transaction and double-wink. Everyone needs to grow up…
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)