Everyone loves some good bracketology this time of year. After finding myself constantly getting asked “what defines a bad bitch?”, I’ve really spent way too much time trying to come up with an answer. I just keep saying that there’s no formal process, I just feel it in my gut (maybe that’s just the sensitivity to gluten). It’s kind of like gaydar, and my bad bitch radar is always right.
This bracket is an exclusive community. Women that are undeniably themselves, who don’t ever NEED a man but might want one even though they are always liable to cut your dick off. When you hear their name you fight the urge to scream YAAAAAASSS QUEEN!!
Bad Bitches of Music
This is pretty self explanatory but I know it will be a very contentious round. The Beyhive is going to be after me, Taylor Swift might write a song about this, and Lady Gaga may win an Oscar for portraying me in a movie about my murder by the Beyhive.
8 Shania Twain v. 9 Miley Cyrus will be split among older and younger millennials.
6 seed Nicki Minaj has to face one of only 3.5 posthumous entries in the tournament (I just have a random person from Game of Thrones but I’ve never watched so I’m not sure if they are dead or not) Amy Winehouse.
Lana Del Ray is the lower seed (10) against Susan Boyle (7). Some may say this decides the official voice of our generation.
Bad Bitch Icons
This bad bitch category is full of moguls. They just ooze bad bitch energy in every single thing they do. Bad bitch icons transcend time.
8 seed Princess Diana is up against 9 seeded Paris Hilton. Classic England vs. America rivalry.
Chrissy Teigen (4) is up against her friend’s child: North West (13).
Tiffany “New York” Pollard is a 2 seed and if this division doesn’t end up the 1 vs 2 seed I’m going to be hugely disappointed. In round 1 she’s up against Blac Chyna (15 seed) and it’s a fight I might actually want to see in real life.
Bad Bitches of Sports
Athletes, WAGS, relatives of athletes, women that generally know about sports. Obviously not a lot of us to choose from.
Victoria Beckham as a 1 seed takes on Kristin Cavallari at 16. I think everyone is going to be swayed by Very Cavallari, which Jay Cutler is clearly the star of. This has upset written all over it.
5 seed Jesse James Decker vs. Miko Grimes (12) is not a fair fight. I love JJD but Miko Grimes will kill you.
Gisele being a 2 seed was a controversial decision by the committee and she’s thrown right into the fire in round 1 against LeBron’s mom after she fucked his teammate Delonte West. Bad bitches only!
Bad Bitches of Hollywood
Whenever a script calls for a bad bitch, these are the ladies who get the call to fuck shit up in a good way.
The head to head matchup between Kate Beckinsale (4) and 13 seed Honey Boo Boo is one for the ages. Definitely bet the under on that one.
1 Margot Robbie vs 16 Helga from Hey Arnold would probably be split between the genders. Women definitely think Margot Robbie is the baddest bitch since guys love jerking off to her heel in Wolf of Wall Street, but men likely lean towards Helga. That shrine she built for Arnold is the type of crazy that drives guys wild.
Again full disclosure I don’t watch Game of Thrones but I knew people would be pissed if there wasn’t someone from that fucking show on here. I don’t know which one of the characters is the baddest bitch but didn’t one fuck her brother? Maybe that one…
Here’s my official 2019 bad bitchness bracket (OBVIOUSLY). There is only one BadGalRiri. Let’s discuss.