The Many Adventures of Banished Howie Vol. 1

“Right this way Howie.” The secretary escorted me into a familiar office, one I normally need no introduction but today it’s not a familiar scene.

“Sit down Howie, we’d like to discuss the future of operations here at the Philadelphia Eagles with you.” Jeffrey said.

“Nyahhhh Guy, we got things to discuss.” Smirked Chip.

Jeffrey leans over and hands me a small box. “Howie this is a token of gratitude for everything you have done for the franchise over the years but we’re going to be letting Chip take over the player personnel department…”

“NYEAHHHHH Marcus Smith in the first round, NYEUHH. I’m gonna show you how it’s done. NYeaeaahhh Seeeah.” Eeked out Chip.

I knew it was coming. Writing had been on the wall. Chip wanted things his way and he wanted my players gone. I just had thought my relationship with Jeffrey would keep me shielded from this.

“Howie I have prepared a job for you in a new office and I do hope you will take it. Before you make any decision please sit in the office and open up my token of appreciation.” Jeffrey said. He then winked. Jeffrey never winks.

I got up and listened to the squeaky annoying Chip Kelly voice as I followed the same Secretary down the hall and into the practice facility. She led me onto the practice field under the bleachers. “Here’s your new office sir.” Came like a punch to the gut. Jeffrey built a new office next to the equipment room. On the door it read:



How fucking embarrassing. I throw the box in the room and I make my way to leave the Novacare complex. The secretary grabs me: “Howie I, and Jeffrey implore you to please go open that box.”


“Please just do it.”

I step into the office and slam the door. There’s an empty desk with what looks like a tape recorder on it in the center and tons of weird equipment on the walls. I pick up the box that’s now in the corner of the room. I cut the box open and inside is a small tape. Written in tiny letters it says: Please Listen. I pop it into the recorder and hit play and hear Jeffrey’s voice:

Howie, I’m so sorry things have to be this way but it’s the only way we can save the Philadelphia Eagles from the clutches of a mad man. He’s clearly won over the hearts of Philadelphia and made you out to be the weak link. He took us to the playoffs and you will look like the scape goat of why we missed the playoffs this last season. To just fire him will lose us the fan base. I need him to be proven for what he is: A Quack. If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and cuts all your players you need to win the division it probably is a Quack. I need you Howie. You’re the only one who can pull this off. I’m giving Chip control in order to watch him sink the ship on his own. Your job if you decided to take it is twofold.

1. You must learn the trade better than you have ever before. You will seek out the best GMs across every sport and learn it better than anyone has before.

2. You are to run contrapositive to everything Chip tries to do that will destroy this team. Help save this franchise Howie and at seasons end you will be elevated back where you belong.

If you choose to accept your mission scream the mantra out in your office and my people will let me know you have accepted. This will be a lonely time. We will have 0 contact to not let Chip know what we are up to. Godspeed Howie and Fly Eagles Fly.

Of course I followed with:


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