Captain Marvel: Not Good But Enjoyable…

Okay, so we are officially BACK after quite the hiatus. It’s been a fortnight since I’ve dumped anything productive into a WordPress doc but guess what? It’s what you do in the dark that puts you in the light, which is why I went to the movies last night to continue my surge as the Internet’s go-to cinematic reviewer. Point blank: I’m the authority on what to see and what not to see (my words and no one else’s, but screw it).

Anyway, the “biggest” movie to hit theaters over the last month or so is Captain Marvel. I haven’t looked, but I’m sure it’s been euthanizing the box office because if there’s anything this country can agree on, it’s “I’m not sure, you want to go check out that new superhero movie that just came out?”

Now, before I get into this review, I have a few disclaimers: one, I’m not a huge superhero movie guy; and two, if you’re someone who loves movies strictly for what they represent from a social perspective, then navigate off the page. In other words, it’s awesome that Marvel has introduced their first stand-alone, big time female superhero but I’m not in the business of politics; I’m in the business of watching a movie and recklessly spraying my unfiltered opinions like a firehose. For those of you unaware, that’s called #journalism. Respect the ink. Thank me for my service.

So yeah, as I said, I’m not a big superhero movie guy and, unfortunately, this movie reconfirmed every reason why that is. Outside of the Christopher Nolan Batman films (The Dark Knight is a top-10 movie in my opinion), I hadn’t watched a superhero movie in its entirety in quite some time—an achievement worth patting my back over considering that Hollywood pumps out 2-3 of these things a month nowadays. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if J.K. Simmons’ Jonah Jameson character from Spiderman gets his own gritty reboot centered around his plight as the aspiring editor-in-chief of the Daily Bugle. Side note: I’d watch that Jameson reboot considering it focuses on the plight of the contemporary journalist—something I know a thing or two about *cough cough*

Okay, I’m rambling so, in an effort to save myself from manufacturing a fluent segue, I’m just going to start my actual review below…

I’ll just say it outright: Captain Marvel has one of the most cliché, uninspired scripts I’ve ever watched play out in a movie theater. Coming off the heels of the Ragnarok, the Guardians movies, and Infinity War, I was just expecting something more from a dialogue perspective and, well, that didn’t happen. Seemingly every piece of dialogue was relatively predictable. During combat scenes, all the characters would shout stuff like “Miss me?” or “I guess you aren’t the talking type” and I honesty wanted to walk out to my car, grab my 9-iron from the trunk, walk back into the theater, and dig that shit into the back projector. The whole thing was just a mess and, for the first 30 minutes, I thought it was a tongue-in-cheek reference to other shitty superhero/mid-90s action movies; by the end I was like “Oh okay, so we’re actually just going to do this…”

Not to mention, the acting was terrible. And although this will probably ruffle some feathers, I can’t stress it enough: Brie Larson was a dumpster fire, which sucks because I think she’s fantastic. Room was one of my favorite movies the year it came out and Short Term 12 was incredible but her role in this is garbage and all it took was 5 minutes of screen time for me to realize it.

A lot of it may have had to do with the script but I don’t know, I just couldn’t buy it. To play one of these sarcastic/witty gunslingers that Hollywood has fallen in love with, I feel like you need to have a well-tenured comedic background like a Chris Pratt, Robert Downey, or Ryan Reynolds. There’s just a natural, comedic charisma to their characters that Larson just flat-out didn’t have. In retrospect, I think an Anna Kendrick or Ellie Kemper-type could’ve pulled this off, but in the end, I don’t know if it would’ve mattered.

Samuel L. Jackson is in a large portion of this movie as well but I really have nothing to say. He’s the comedic relief, but doesn’t really provide any comedy. And to be honest, he doesn’t really provide anything. He’s there, but he’s also not and the only reason anyone would consider him likable is because he’s a “good guy.”

Okay, deep breaths…

Things I liked: Captain Marvel, as a superhero, is fucking DOPE. I wasn’t too familiar with her character/backstory, but damn, is she just cool (I don’t have a smarter way to say it). As I said, I almost left the theater but I’m glad I didn’t because the ending—spoiler alert: she officially becomes “Captain Marvel” and just fucks up everybody—was AWESOME. For those unfamiliar, her super power is literally the equivalent to when you get the star powerup in Mario Kart and all you really have to do is truck through people.

Also, there’s quite a bit of 90s nostalgia to help you get through things as well…

Long story short, it’s not a great movie, but if you’re someone who just wants to turn your brain off for 2 hours, I’d definitely suggest it. Not to mention, there are a few references to Infinity War that’ll get your balls tingling. And when it comes down to it, I felt that’s all Captain Marvel was: an appetizer for Endgame. Feed me Thanos…

Final Score: 6.4 Boats out of 10

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)