For anyone that might not know even though I try to mention it as many times as possible and keep it as the pinned tweet to my profile, I competed in last year’s Barstool Idol competition to try to win a job at Barstool. You can look it up on Youtube or Instagram but I won’t be offended if you don’t because I was either looking like a hot mess from being out in the pouring rain all day or involved in Michigan Man’s famous 6 minute rampage about why I deserved to not be eliminated on day 2 even though they offered to let me back in if he quit, he said no and then quit the next morning.
— Dave Portnoy (@stoolpresidente) August 14, 2018
It was and still is my ultimate dream so I continue to write these blogs in the hopes that some day by some miracle of a god I don’t believe in, the Barstool light will shine down and pull me out of this 9-5 life like Jay Baruchel in This Is The End.
But I digress. The challenges involved in Barstool Idol were wild. Day 1 we just had to run around NYC in teams trying to get as much pizza with the highest pizza review scores. My team obviously dominated and earned immunity, but it was pouring and I was wearing a white t-shirt and a skirt. I also neglected to bring my laptop to an internet blogging company audition and it almost got me 6 feet under by Jon Taffer.
On day 2 we were told to make a KFC-style rant video and design some t-shirts to sell in the store.
I’m used to ranting in no less than 10,000 words every day on the blog but being behind the camera was a different beast. And that beast was me. I was eliminated later that day despite clearly having the best hair in the competition and also probably being the most literate person competing to win a job at a blogging company. Dave said I just wasn’t electric enough on camera and despite Michigan Man’s best efforts at saving my proverbial life, they sent me packing. But the content I produced during these 2 days has turned out to be evergreen, and possibly the least Old Takes Exposed take of all time.
It was August, and LeBron had just joined my Lakers. It’s no secret that I am the poster child for Kobe stans so when we were told to rant for 30 seconds about a topic we’re passionate about, I just started rambling about LeBron before the camera even started rolling. My LeBron hate wasn’t designed to win over Pres, and if it was it certainly didn’t work well. One of my first blogs of all time back in 2012 showed the true fear of what might happen if LeBron signed with the Lakers.
6 years ago TO THE VERY DAY, I was refreshing Twitter waiting for the Patriots to re-sign Wes Welker and also writing a blog aptly titled “sorry but if you like Lebron now you’re a bigger bitch than Lebron“. Good thing no one read this blog at the time or even now because I would have definitely been bullied online. The haters have no ammo now. I absolutely NAILED this take:
If you actually like Lebron, you are a bitch. I feel like most of us are walking around with a deep hatred of Lebron that’s only being suppressed since he’s been playing out of his mind lately. No one denies that Lebron is a good basketball player, he’s just so douchey and wears the weirdest shit that you have to hate him. If you root for Lebron James/have a Lebron James jersey/are a Miami Heat fan I have no respect for you.
The “Not My King” t-shirts I designed should be the Goodell clown shirt for Lakers fans at this point. You can still buy them online so if the good folks over at Deadspin were smart they’d use any gift cards to buy this shirt for the cause. I don’t make any money off of them, never did, but seeing even one of these out in the wild would make my heart explode. In fact maybe I should write a blog claiming Barstool used my intellectual property for content and is profiting off it so I can get a free Barstool Gold membership or something.
But the video that Dave infamously labeled “not electric enough” has me wanting to run through a brick wall today. My hate for LeBron was palpable in this video. I was getting bombarded with tweets like who is this dumb broad hating on LeBron how could she ever put out an anti-LeBron tshirt he’s come to LA to save this franchise and how could it possibly ever go wrong? Well ladies and gents, how’s that looking now? I should Old Takes Expose their asses. I didn’t want LeBron on the Lakers in 2012 or in 2018. I don’t want LeBron on the Lakers in 2019 or 2020 for that matter. See for yourself:
I know what you’re all thinking, my hair does look amazing and was a huge improvement from the previous days rats nest. But you must also be thinking: damn she was really spot on with this assessment of LeBron. He’s doing exactly what I said he would do, destroy my love of basketball, just like he’s done for the past 10 years. I wish I could go back in time to when that fucking mural was put up and fly out to LA to personally destroy it. Having him on my team has been unbearable. It’s led to lots of internet shaming and public criticism of the team that made me like sports in the first place. I’m just glad I have been at the forefront of the anti-LeBron movement since day 1. You will never be able to search my archives and find a tweet or blog giving LeBron praise and that is my proudest accomplishment in life.