I’m so fucking sick of Bryce Harper. Take your $330 million and get out of my face now that you finally signed to a team. It’s not a forever thing, Bryce can be a thing again once baseball season starts but I just need a short break from Bryce Harper twitter.
Every time I refresh my feed (usually about once every 43 seconds), everyone is forcing Bryce Harper in my face. Did you hear what he said about Mike Trout? He accidentally said DC instead of Philly. Graphics that tell us how much money he’s making each second of his day. Maybe it’s just my overall cynicism in all aspects of life here, but it just seems too good to be true.
No one can just be a good baseball player, have good hair, get the biggest contract in MLB history and also be really hot. I just don’t trust it. But everything else checks out. Objectively he is good at baseball. Expert baseball analysis by me. I know a thing or two about good hair, and Bryce Harper has it. Good so far. He in fact did just sign a $330 million dollar contract. That was confirmed by multiple sources. So the only thing left is being hot. Let’s take a step back–is Bryce Harper actually hot? Or are men just trying to force his hotness on us? I wanted to investigate.
I don’t know any girls in real life who are big Bryce Harper girls. No girls in my Twitter circle are tweeting drool face emojis with pics of Bryce in a Phillies jersey like I would very maturely do if my team just signed someone I thought was a babe.
But then where are all the Bryce Harper is so fucking hot tweets coming from? I see them on my feed all the time, and I almost never notice who’s tweeting it. After my investigation I’ve found that women don’t even really think Bryce Harper is that hot, but guys want you to think he is.
Okay but do I become a Phillies fan because Bryce Harper is hot?
— Brad Hebert (@bradmhe) February 28, 2019
I don't have a lot of opinions about baseball but: Bryce Harper is hot.
— Tyler Dinucci (@TylerDinucci) February 28, 2019
Bryce Harper is incredibly hot
— JL (@LAWn_andorder) March 2, 2019
He’s even got Ru convinced he’s better looking than him, it’s sad!
I hate to admit this, Bryce Harper is better looking than me pic.twitter.com/HgIWOFx0X2
— Ru (@ImJust_Ru) March 1, 2019
All of these sentiments almost universally shared by men, both Phillies fans and beyond. But where was this reaction from straight women? I was afraid to be the first to say it but Bryce Harper just really doesn’t do it for me. Turns out there’s a lot of you out there that agree with me.
Unpopular opinion but I don’t think Bryce Harper is that hot
— jaime (@NotoriousJME_) February 28, 2019
Don’t let men try to mansplain this one to you Jaime! It’s a more popular opinion than you might think.
Everyone here should be glad that I don’t have to spend the next 13 years trying to convince you all Bryce Harper is hot.
— Victoria Edel (@victoriaedel) February 28, 2019
No convincing needed here Victoria, I know now where I stand on this issue.
— Mckenzie Royal Slaughter (@kenzietheroyal) March 1, 2019
I admire your brave honesty Mckenzie, he really isn’t even that hot if we’re all truly being honest here.
I did admit the guy has great hair. But you could literally swap him out for one of The Chainsmokers and no one would notice, and everyone knows how I feel about The Chainsmokers. And having that beard is kind of cheating. We don’t really know what’s going on under there so we all just kind of assume his face probably looks good because he’s got nice eyes, but does it? I’m not sure. Seems like he doesn’t want us to find out.
I haven’t found enough concrete evidence either way, I’m just giving my opinion on the biggest stories in the sports world so sometimes you need to be the one to ask the important questions. Bryce Harper could completely prove me wrong, get more hot and increase his favorability among the straight woman crowd. I would love for that to happen. But for now his wheelhouse is all men. Gay, straight, bi, tri, everyone with a penis is a Harpersexual and wants to talk about it. I’m tired of talking about it, he’s not that hot people.