Okay, so it’s Friday and I can’t lie, I’m struggling to find something to write about. As I always say, I’m not BuzzFeed. I don’t do the clickbait thing. Rather than posting “What Bagel Are You?” quizzes (I got cinnamon raisin by the way, which is wildly accurate) or regurgitating Tweets into a WordPress doc, I try to give you daily content you won’t find anywhere else, even if that content sucks.
With that said, I’m caught between a rock and a hard place right now and I don’t know what to do. For those unfamiliar, I’m a world-class athlete, which is why I work out at Planet Fitness; for those even more unfamiliar, Planet Fitness is the purple gym that dishes out slabs of pizza once a month.
Anyway, I routinely head to the one in my town to split treadmills in half, but yesterday, I was crunched for time. Did I resolve to miss a gym day? Of course not. Why? Because I’m a savage. I move plates for sport; therefore, I capitalized on my PF Black Card—a card you can buy that allows you to attend/use any one of Planet Fitness’ 500,000,000 locations.
On my way home from work, I pulled into one of those different locations and meandered to the locker room. First things first, I’ve discussed this in the past and my opinions on gym locker rooms are well documented but what the hell is up with this infatuation with walking around naked?
I understand it’s called a locker room, but I also understand there are things called towels. When I turned the corner to use the urinal, I was blasted in the face by the visual of some decrepit, wrinkly-assed baby boomer shaving his neck completely naked in front of the sink.
First of all, does this guy not have a fucking bathroom? Second of all, this dude was pushing 80-years-old. I can understand if you’re in a pinch on your way to work and need to clean up the 5 o’clock shadow, but there’s no chance this guy isn’t sitting on pension money at this point. In other words, clearly he has nothing to do that day—as evident by the fact I saw him casually having a conversation an hour later in the same locker room after my workout—so why is a shave (and on that note, the shower) necessary while you’re at the gym? You heading to a job interview, bro?
Anyway, I use the urinal and open my Spotify app. On my way out, I was attempting to connect my headphones to bluetooth when I accidentally bumped into some dude. Normally this results in a simple “my bad, man” and that’s it; however, in this particular situation, things went downhill fast.
What I mean by that is when I bumped into him, my right hand—which, at the time, was operating my iPhone—gently grazed his bare ass. For the record, there’s NOTHING you can say in a situation like that to diffuse the awkwardness, but as always, I had to make an attempt.
I suddenly uttered something to the extent of “my bad dude,” but then made the tell-tale mistake of stopping/attempting to explain myself. I’m not sure what came out of my mouth in that moment but I can defiantly contend it made little to no sense. The entire locker room (basically three people, including shave guy) just looked at me in unison. It was one of those scratched record moments like you read about.
After causing the scene, I darted out and navigated to the closest treadmill in an attempt to sweat out the repugnant stench of awkward I had just flooded the locker room with. Suddenly, out of my left peripheral, I see the dude who I sexually assaulted near the water bubbler and experienced that sensation you only get when you just know someone’s staring at you from a distance… and he was.
Now, I know some people will get offended by this comment because it suggests I was “assuming” things but this dude was Gay. Flat out. No questions asked. He just was. Nothing wrong with that, but I’m not about to go into detail about how I knew. Let’s just say he was sporting this incredibly tight, almost singlet-looking thing that looked like it was ripped out of a 1990s Richard Simmons’ workout VHS tape and the proof was in the pudding…
Anyway, I had that “someone’s staring at me” feeling for a solid 15 minutes before this dude decided to jump aboard the treadmill right next to me, even though the place was empty. From there, he started making small talk, forcing me to remove my headphones on 2-3 occasions.
Long story short, I ended up migrating treadmills, and on my way out, I saw this guy again and he was working at the front desk.
In other words, there’s a shot this dude could get me a free membership (a $20/month value), which begs the question: should I go down on this guy for a free Black Card? Is it worth the risk? On one hand, I’m not gay; on the other hand, $20 a month adds up; on the third hand, there’s probably some sort of corporate blockade that would prevent him from allowing such an action to occur, in which case would mean I just blew a dude for no reason; and on the fourth and final hand, maybe this dude just isn’t gay at all…
I don’t know though man, is it worth the risk?
Disclaimer: I’m just scraping the bottom of the barrel for content today. This is what blog dedication looks like. Thank me for my service…
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)