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People Who “Don’t Drink To Get Drunk” Are Liars…

Joey Boats

So it’s Tuesday and there isn’t much going on in the sports world today. The Super Bowl occurred roughly three weeks ago and, as a Boston sports fan, I’m starting to get championship withdrawals. Luckily, I was scrolling through headlines for something to write about and came across an advertisement worth noting.

The advertisement concerned Natural Light’s new strawberry lemonade-flavored beer that they’re calling “Naturdays,” I guess. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure the only people who drink Natural Light hail from New England (I’ve just never seen it sold anywhere else). Furthermore, I’m pretty sure the only people in New England who drink Natural Light are college students or broke shitheads looking to dilute a raging hangover via the ole’ “hair of the dog” treatment.

Now, please don’t get me wrong: I’m not some douchebag beer enthusiast; in fact, I would go as far as to claim I, more often than not, fall in the latter description I mentioned above. People who drink beer for the “taste” can just screw off. I don’t care about your peacoats or your financial acumen or your imported craft lagers, there’s absolutely ZERO reason to drink beer if you aren’t, at the very least, looking for a buzz.

When I say that, people immediately jump to conclusion that I’m some sort of belligerent alcoholic, but that’s not the case. I realize my personal blog is entitled “The Daily Hangover” but that’s just impeccable branding, and part of the reason I’m a genius.

So yeah, suggesting you only ever drink to get drunk doesn’t make you an alcoholic: it makes you a rational human being. Whenever my friends contend they don’t drink exclusively to get drunk, I always ask why they’re even drinking then, to which they respond they just wanted a beer.

Okay, so why did you want the beer? For the taste? Because if that’s the case, your taste buds are wildly incompetent. I’m not saying beer’s the worst-tasting thing in the world, but after a workout (so when you’re likely the most thirsty), there’s a reason you don’t crush a pounder when you get home. Instead, you grab a grab a 32 oz. Gatorade or something and down the hatchet because Glacier Freeze/Riptide Rush is the choice of kings.

In other words, there are literally THOUSANDS of beverage alternatives exclusively designed for taste purposes and beer isn’t one of them. Let me ask you something? Have you ever tried grain alcohol? Because I have, and it’s absolutely DISGUSTING. With that said, if you want something for the taste, why would you ever select something with even a quarter of that composition involved? I’ll answer that—you wouldn’t, because it doesn’t make any sense.

So to recap: We started this blog talking about Boston sports, then the new Natty Light cans, and now we’re attempting to de-stigmatize the notion of drinking exclusively to get drunk. Got it? Good.

I understand that sometimes people want to have a beer at lunch or something to “loosen up” or generate a minuscule buzz but guess what? That qualifies as drinking to get drunk.

Simply put, I’m someone who drinks protein shakes for the protein, coffee for the caffeine, and booze for, well, the booze. And no, that doesn’t make me a flawed person; on the contrary it makes me right, further proving that I’m a genius and everyone else sucks.

As for these new Natural Light things, I’m almost positive they’re going to absolutely STINK. Either that or they’ll taste similar to Twisted Teas/Smirnoff Ice or something—alcoholic options with enough sugar throughout to bring a diabetic to a Time Tebow-like kneel. I’ll still try em’ though…

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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