Joey Boats’ Official Oscars Betting Guide…

Over the last few days, I’ve been dumping reviews on Best Picture nominees all over the place in preparation for what will most likely be an incredibly sub-par Oscar night. Essentially, there are really only 3-4 movies nominated this year that we’ll remember five years from now; nevertheless, I have a job to do, and that job is to give you the low down what to expect heading into the E! Network’s self-fulfilling red carpet coverage.

I don’t have much time to write this blog because I have places to be. Between reorganizing my sock drawer and slaving over whether or not to buy almond milk or regular old 2%, I’m on a time budget. Therefore, I’ll cut straight to the meat and potatoes.

To clarify, below is where I’ll provide you with the award, who will win the award, as well as who should win the award. I won’t be diving into every piece of hardware the academy will be dishing out tonight because no one gives a shit about who the editing genius behind the best foreign short film is. In other words, expect the iron and nothing else…

Best Picture

Who Will Win: Roma
Never saw it but I trust Vegas on this one…
Who Should Win: Father of the Year
In the biggest upset of the night, Father of the Year takes home the night’s biggest honor in a category it was never nominated for. For those unfamiliar, Father of the Year is another straight-to-Netflix production that centers around two college students who make a bet concerning which of their fathers would win in a fight. Obviously, hilarity ensues. It’s essentially a 1.5-hour thrill ride that will ultimately make you question the boundaries of what can be classified as “a movie.”

Best Director

Who Will Win: Alfonso Cuarón, Roma
Once again, I’ve never seen it . That said, I guess it was filmed in black & white and everyone knows that nothing gets the Academy to cream themselves harder than when a film is shot with the highest contrast possible.
Who Should Win: Tyler Spindel, Father of the Year
Once again, jaws hit the floor as Tyler Spindel claims yet another Oscar win for the Happy Madison epic. Throughout the film, Spindel manages a star-studded cast while driving the narrative in a way that will force most Netflix users into questioning whether or not a plot actually exists.

Best Actor

Who Will Win: Rami Malek, Bohemian Rhapsody
Rami Malek shines in his portrayal of Mick Jagger in this Bryan Singer classic. Throughout the 2-hour music video, we watch as Malek completely transforms himself by lip-synching and wearing fake teeth.
Who Should Win: David Spade, Father of the Year
In his best performance since Grownups 2, Spade once again asserts himself as Hollywood’s go-to leading man. You would think that, in a movie featuring an onslaught of big name stars like Nat Faxon and Joey Bragg, Spade would just blend into the forefront, but no. In a nutshell, Spade’s performance is so utterly subversive that, throughout the film, you’ll grabble with the question of whether Father of the Year is even an intentional film.

Best Actress

Who Will Win: Glenn Close, The Wife
As with Roma, I’ve never seen The Wife. To be honest, it sounds like some shitty, long-tenured drama on the USA Network that you see a million commercials for, but have never heard of anyone watching. Turns out, it’s a movie, and a good one at that. Expect her to take home the award tonight.
Who Should Win: David Spade, Father of the Year
Understandably, this selection may raise some feathers but somebody needs to do it. It takes guts in this social climate to come out and suggest a left-leaning political opinion but I truly believe that gender is a spectrum; thus, I can’t morally suggest that Spade shouldn’t win both awards for the acting category. Maybe I’m just a little too woke for the general public on this one but just understand if you disagree with me here, you’re no better than a bigoted Trump supporter. I don’t build walls, I break them down…

So that’s basically it for the big awards. The show starts at 8 PM ET (I think) and I’m sure we’ll all be sitting on the couch with bated breath as Hollywood’s elite flood the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles to narcissistically vomit their sociopolitical agendas. Looking forward to Kevin Hart

P.S. Here’s the trailer for Father of the Year. Click at your own discretion…

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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