It’s no secret that I am not exactly happily in love. If the Patriots hadn’t just won their 6th Super Bowl I might actually be affected by this retail driven American holiday designed to drive the economy and boost the card, flower, and candy industries, but great news is they did so I don’t really have a lot of fucks to give. I don’t care if you are cooking up some Blue Apron with your goldendoodle puppy tonight or if you are heading to some fancy schmancy restaurant to waste $200 on a prefix menu only to get home and being too full to have sex anyways. Trust me, girls are notorious for this. Spend all your money to show us you love us and we’ll claim we have gas to avoid having to reward you for it. Do whatever you please, just stop fucking posting about it on Instagram.
I know you’re just thinking, Ali just stay off Instagram today. Stop being a hater. Focus on something that makes you happy. Well, I’m home on the couch with a mysterious illness going from sweating like Michael Scott at the Rabies 5K to shivering like I’m going through withdrawals. I haven’t eaten or showered in 24 hours and I can’t have iced coffee so there’s potential I’m actually in withdrawal. The concept of widespread love has literally put me on my death bed. Tomorrow better be national petty bitch day because I can’t handle one more of these.
I can’t escape Instagram. Out of sheer habit my hand scrolls directly to Twitter, then Instagram the minute I pick up my phone. I knew today would be bad with everyone posting the couple photo they’ve saved up that they look good in to wish their significant other a happy Valentine’s Day but it’s insufferable.
I don’t want to have to be scrooge and just let you enjoy your day of happiness, because the rest of the 364 days you guys are probably fighting about cleaning the bathroom or paying for groceries. But you’re asking for it by posting the teddy bear and half dozen roses your man picked up at Stop and Shop on the way home. You’re lucky I’m not posting your pic in this, for all 11 readers to see.
If you’re married/engaged:
Well, time to get some use out of those professional photographs you paid thousands of dollars for of the two of you hugging looking in opposite directions off into the distance. You’re probably in a field, on a beach, on in front of the Eiffel Tower. Hard to work that type of #content into the schedule in August. That’s been in the favorites folder waiting for Valentine’s Day, anniversary or a birthday, whichever comes first.
I know a lot of people who are married, and they aren’t THAT happy. You want to post an embarrassing pic of your husband doing the dishes or talking in a baby voice to your dog, send it my way. Get out of here with the lovey dovey shit.
If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend:
No. Your boyfriend is only posting because he feels socially accountable that your friends will notice he hasn’t and text the group chat asking what he’s done for V Day. Girls are only posting for the hating bitches like me at home on the couch watching Guys Grocery Games. Don’t use the hashtag #relationshipgoals on a picture of your and your boyfriend. My goal is not to visit the pumpkin patch every year in our matching J Crew puffy vests.
It’s just the fact that you don’t stop at one simple Instagram post that can get buried down the Instagram algorithm. It’s an album of photos you want me to scroll through, like I’m reading a children’s book. You’re whole story is a ……….. of Valentine’s Day GIFs and paragraphs on top of photos, some of them are actually pretty creative. If your boyfriend has been fucking around, please go ahead and let the other girls know who he belongs to. But most of the time he’s jerking off in the basement after watching an overtime hockey game. You’re not showing that side of things.
And if he’s not even “ON SOCIAL MEDIA”?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??
If you’ve got kids:
Valentine’s Day seems like a lot of work when you have kids. Once you have a baby I don’t even think Valentine’s Day is between you and your spouse anymore. You’ve got to bake cookies for the class, do some handmade cards for the entire class…it’s a lot of time on Pinterest. I wonder what the age is when Valentine’s Day turns from sweethearts and cards to lingerie and anal.
If you’re a celebrity:
Post away. I’m totally cool with it. The people at E News and People need work too. What else are they going to write about on Valentine’s Day without A-Rod and J Lo being #couplegoals? You think Kanye paid someone to decorate their entire house and held Kenny G at ransom to spend his Valentine’s Day in Calabasas to keep it between the two of them? Please.
Last but not least, if you’re going to just say fuck it and go for it, make it as good as this: