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Ru How To: Valentines Day

Welcome to another edition of Ru how to, I’m Ru.  Today I am going to walk you through Valentines day with your lady.  It’s a tricky time in a  relationship, new or old we’re never exactly sure how to handle it.  Do you go all out for a new relationship?  Do you still have to put effort into an old relationship?  What to do, who to turn to for help?  That’s why you come to me, that’s why you love your buddy Ru, ready to hold your hand and walk you through all of life’s hardest moments.  Let’s take a look at Valentines day and what you need to do, to give your beautiful lady the day she desires and deserves.

It’s the week before, and you and your lady are in love.  Seven days until V-day, no not Veterans day, we’re talking Valentines day.  It’s not the day of yet but your lady is dropping hints.  She’s probably telling you things like “Do you want to do something next week?” and “Do you have plans next week?” my favorite “Is there something going on next week, I feel like something is going on next week?”  Oh you subtle bitch, I see right through you.  She is making sure you know, don’t mess this up mister.  Don’t worry you won’t, you have me.  The key to avoiding these subtle little hints is to change the subject.  Ask her if she stopped working out, this will get her mind in a different space and take heat off of you right away.  If that doesn’t work ask her about a girl she hates, woman love to talk about women they hate, one for all, and all for one is a lie and don’t forget it.  Now you’ve bought yourself some time, let’s move on to the next steps.

You’re coming up on a few days before and your lady is no doubt working out multiple hours a day after you asked her if she stopped, good job you improved her well-being with one little comment.  You won’t get the thanks you deserve for it but you didn’t do it for thanks, you did it for her.  It’s time to plan out the Valentines day night.  Go to a card store, Target will do.  Find a valentine’s day card, preferably one with a dog on it.  Hopefully one that says something like “I’d love some RUFF sex with you this Valentines day”  That’s cute.  Don’t write any long love letter inside, nobody wants to read that, especially your lady.  Girls don’t like to read no matter how many books they pretend to read when they’re really just arguing with you in their head.  Get a bag of reeces, the regular size, not the king size this isn’t a real holiday and now you are all set with gifts.  Good job she will love it.  The night and plans are not over however you still need something for dinner.  Let’s move on to tackling the most important part of this Valentines day success.

Dinner time and there’s no way your going out for a big dinner.  You are strapped for cash nd you wont use precious gas mileage on a fake holiday.  Order some sushi and Chinese chicken.  I know what you’re thinking.  You can’t have her see your big dinner is ordered food, even though if you went to a restaurant it would be the same thing, but woman don’t understand that and are petty.  This is what you’re going to do.  Order the Chinese chicken and some sushi.  Throw all of the take out containers away, take the trash out so you can’t get caught and put everything on pans and pots so it looks like a home cooked meal.  This will shock her as she gets home from the gym.  Put a table-cloth over the kitchen table and a candle in the middle.  Broads love candles.  She is going to be so excited over the “Home cooked” meal and candle that you’ll smell the iron in the air.  You may think your home free but you’re not, you still have to enjoy the love-making part of tonight, ordinarily the woman gets all of the love but you just cooked a meal for her, it’s time to reap the reward.

The meal is done, she think’s you cooked it, give her the card and candy.  She will laugh out loud over the funny and cute dog.  She is going to want to jump your bones but really that means have you do all of the work and get minimal pleasure.  I’m talking oral.  This is what you do to turn the tides.  You just cooked a meal in her mind.  You’ve worked hard, play the mental game.  “Babe I want to but I’m so tired after cooking and I have to clean the dishes I just don’t know if I can do this tonight.”  Look really sad when you say it.  You want to please her, you’re just so exhausted.  Give her a big kiss and act like you’re trying to get into the mood but pull away and say, “Babe I’m sorry I just can’t my bones are weak.”  She will grab you by the hand and lay you back on the bed.  Fellas your back wont move from the sheets, she’ll do all of the work, I’m talkin oral again.  After minutes of love-making you’ll have completed the perfect Valentines day for you and your lady.  You got off like a bandit and she thinks you tried, after all that’s all that Valentines day is for women.  Just a way for them to brag to their friends about the effort you put in.  You may have not cooked that meal, but in her eyes you’re no different from Emeril Lagasse.

Congrats on your perfect Valentines Day.

 

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Nick Ru View All

Let me wobble back to my corner, Joe Pa knew.

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