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So Yeah, I Started A Country Band…

Joey Boats

So last night was the Grammys. For those of you unfamiliar, the Grammys is an award show focusing primarily on musical achievement; for those of you unfamiliar, an award show is where swaths of West Coast, elitist celebrities congregate to narcissistically broadcast their sociopolitical agendas. Outside of that though, I enjoy these things.

People love to hate on award shows (conventionally, for reasons I stated above) but I’m not one of those people. Award shows are incredibly entertaining for people who exist in a perpetual state of sarcasm and cynicism. I watch a lot of things from an ironic perspective—Adam Sandler movies, political shows, the New York Jets—and award shows, in that light, are a bastion of entertainment. The audience last night looked like a futuristic Congressional hearing on the planet Zorton or something and I couldn’t get enough.

For the record, I absolutely love music but I’m not a big “music guy” if that makes any sense. Whenever the Grammy’s opens with that Star Wars-esque scrolling list of artists who will eventually perform later in the night, I just sit there eating Bugles like one of my ex-girlfriends watching the player introductions during Monday Night Football. In other words, I don’t know a single fucking person.

That said, I’m open to anything. I learned who Cardi B was earlier this year and I’m officially a fan. The only song I know by her is that “I Like It Like That” one but I like how she talks. My closet crush is Nikki Minaj and Cardi has that vibe, paired with a little Rosie Perez from White Men Can’t Jump flavor. Plus, she makes pigeon noises. That’s enough for me…

Anyway, I won’t go into much detail about the show but the reason I’m writing this is because of Kacey Musgraves. I had no idea who she was going into the night but that “Rainbow” performance moved the needle. Not to mention, she’s a hall of fame rocket and I guess she won a ton of awards. Long story short, it was a gigantic night for her, but more importantly, a gigantic night for country music. Even more importantly than both of those things, it was a gigantic night for me.

Why, you ask? Well, because I officially started a country band…

About a month ago, my buddy and I were talking contemporary music and we both came to the conclusion that, although we don’t really listen to country music, it’s astronomically profitable. Hell, Shania Twain has the top selling album of the entire 1990s and when I visited Nashville, that’s literally all they played.

So yeah, as an opportunist, I’d be remiss if I didn’t capitalize on the current musical landscape. There’s money to be made and the one void I noticed with concern to country music is that the content primarily focuses on southern culture. Every song, there’s at least two or three mentions of pickup trucks, college t-shirts, grits, blah blah blah. But what about people up North?

It’s an untapped market, which is why I’d like to introduce you to The Dedham Boyz, New England’s premier country performance group…

We perform exclusively intended for those who live in New England. I’m talking Autumn foliage, Paul Revere, summer cottages, you name it.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Okay Joe, but to announce yourself as a band, don’t you need to play instruments or have songs already?”

And to that I respond “No, you’re a fucking idiot if you think that.” If I learned anything from that Fyre Fest documentary on Netflix, it’s that marketing is EVERYTHING. Once you get people talking, the rest takes care of itself.

So far, we only have song titles, background instrumentals, and a few written hooks, but if I don’t guarantee I’ll finish something publicly, I normally don’t.

Therefore, below is a track list for our debut album One If By Land, Two If By Rock…

  1. These Dedham Streets
  2. Dunkin’ Girl
  3. Shower Beer
  4. Day Rakin’
  5. Cape Traffic
  6. Expired Condoms and Dip (ft. Maroon 5)
  7. Foxwoods Trip
  8. I F*cked A Liberal
  9. Death, Taxes, and Nor’Easters
  10. Puppy Love (pro-beastiality anthem)

In closing, we’ll be touring the country within a few months if everything goes according to schedule so, if you’re smart, I would get in on the forefront of this. Stay Posted…

If you can actually play an instrument and live in the MA area, or if you’re interested in booking us for a wedding or some shit, DM me on Twitter at the address below.

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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