Morning Wood: The Drunken Chronicles

The following events take place between 10:00pm and 2:00am (cue the 24 countdown clock)

To start this story it’s important to let everyone know that I’ve been doing this damn keto diet for the last month. That’s only relevant because I’m three spiked seltzers into the night. Make fun of me if you want but when you see me strutting my sexy ass on the beach this summer you’ll regret not doing it yourself.

Here we are with my buddy’s love interest and her two dog shit friends, and the night is going fairly well. I’m eyeing up the one not because I think she’s good looking but because I think she knows what she’s doing late night.

The problem with my friends is they don’t know how to leave the damn pregame until after midnight and we go to the same goddamn bar every weekend. It’s Raven Lounge by the way. The only benefit of going to the claw (we call it raven claw, the claw for short) is that we are in with all the bouncers and bar tenders, so we get in and drink for free.

I’m seeing a lot of hate on twitter for fat Eric Snow. First of all, I thought this world was PC now and we weren’t supposed to fat shame people anymore? Fact is, Eric Snow would still ball on half the idiots talking shit on him. Let’s not forget him and AI holding it down for Philly in the early 2000s. People get old and they get fat. It’s just a part of life.Get Him to the Greek is an underrated movie. I don’t know what ever happened to Russel Brand, but he totally killed it in that movie. I only bring this up because Jeremy (womanizing man hoe) played the song “Inside of You. If you don’t know that song then roll out right now.

I’ll be wrapping this up pretty soon, but I gotta defend the 26 year olds like me that still run the pong table. Here I am half shot in the ass and holding it down on the pong table. I’ll give credit to my boy Jeremy who beat me 1 on 1 in a seven game series. For what it’s work I came back down 3-1. The moral to this story is everyone should aspire to be the parent at their kid’s graduation party putting the amateurs to shame.

It’s slim pickings at the bar, but the liquor will see me through. Hopefully tomorrow I don’t have too bad a hang over but either way that’s ok. Philly is hot right now and the world should know it.

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