Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club Episode 5: Is Anyone Getting Kicked Off?

We check back in with the VIP hosts this week and I already know we’re getting a lot of Brent and Sara drama so I want to die a little inside. I would rather watch Billy mix drinks for the entire hour.

OKAY we start this one on a high note because Aristotle has an interview. He truly is the best person on this show but he’s way too boring to focus on.

Lindsay sits down with both Gabi and Jonitta who are now really sorry about their slap-fest last week. They are 100% going to fight again (probably tonight) but Lindsay lets them stay because she knows what it’s like to wake up in the morning with a few regrets. She makes sure to mention once again that she knows Oprah personally and I don’t think Alesso is going to be too happy to know he wasn’t mentioned once in this episode.

I was really hoping instead of kicking either girl off, Lindsay would just kick Brent off instead, but she needs someone around to fuck all the guests, so he’s in the clear.

Terrence J and his now ex girlfriend Golden Barbie visit the Beach Club, a level of fame one can only dream of. They seemed to be such a cute couple but ever since I found out how he got caught cheating on her, I am done with Terrence J trying to be a nice guy host.

However, it’s clear Jonitta has that cool person energy, because Terrence J and Jasmine seem to be obsessed with her. Terrance needs something to ask Jonitta to do to have a storyline, so he asks her to find some seashells. They both act like this is a hard task, but they are literally in the middle of the beach in Mykonos. How far do you have to walk to find a cool shell or two? I’m from Rhode Island and you can’t go more than 2 steps without walking into one. Walk to the sand, pick up a shell, walk back. Aristotle had to rub a creepy foreign guys feet and Brent had to make out with a supermodel. Panos is going to give her rave reviews this week.

It’s been almost a week of living together so the housemates are starting to get annoyed being with the same people in the same house and at work 24/7 while binge drinking to oblivion. Every reality show needs at least 1 person that doesn’t contribute to the daily chores and in this one it’s May. Everyone is pissed that she doesn’t cook or do the dishes and while I certainly get it, you gotta do a few fucking dishes. At least clean up after yourself. If May is just putting dishes on the kitchen counter like I did to my parents growing up, that’s unacceptable. I have a feeling May did not do the dishes.

We have now arrived at the Brent and Sara portion of the episode and they are setting us up with a really happy scene so they can juxtapose an aggressive closet emptying scene by the end. This is the Jersey Shore formula, classic Ron vs Sam. First, we have Brent saying he’s head over heels in love with Sara after calling her a 6 just 2 episodes ago. He wants her to move to Vegas? So she can sit at home while he fucks bottle girls at the Wynn, where he works?!  She will definitely say yes.

Brent says he hates odd numbers so Sara has to kiss him only in intervals of 2, 4, 6 really brought to life an actual case of OCD. I have seen enough episodes of Hoarders to know this is how it starts. Sara tries to act in her interviews like she’s skeptical, but she’s dickmatized.

The VIP hosts have the night off so on their way home from the club, Mike is ready to pop off about the dishes like vintage Tanisha Thomas. Just like I suspected, May did not do the dishes so they all decide to confront her while in the back of a van. The fight spills over into the house but mostly just ends how most fights with me do, with May crying.

Aristotle astutely points out that it’s probably not a great idea to be fighting a mere 12 hours after almost being kicked out for fighting, but the other hosts are too dumb or too drunk to think about that. Probably both.

There are two new hosts arriving, Kyle and Kailah from The Challenge. For some reason we don’t acknowledge that Kailah is from another MTV reality show, but I’ve already caught up on the Reddit threads on the Lindsay/Kailah drama so I’m ready to just get to that.

Kailah is assigned to work with Brent and I’m confused that they don’t seem to know each other even though both of them work in Vegas. How have they not already fucked?

There are more model influencers on deck today, and there’s no way I could possibly do this job. I stood next to a group of 4 college girls the other day and almost impaled myself on a fence post. Brent is in the ocean taking Instagram photos. The guys have it so tough. When Sara sees him massaging this European influencer model, we know this isn’t going to end in a mature and responsible manner.

“When I come to work I’m single and ready for everything”….well no, that’s not really how it works.

Kailah doesn’t understand why anyone would want to be on this show in a relationship, which is now the 2nd thing she’s not mentioning like we don’t already know. She is from The Challenge and she has a boyfriend.

Sara tries to talk to Brent and he handles it very maturely and honestly. Just kidding he leaves the room and tells Jonitta to help Sara move her shit out of their room. Sara, who as a reminder poured tequila over Brent’s head a few episodes ago when he called her a 6, has a different idea of how this is going to go down.

Billy is not really doing anything on this show except for providing excellent analysis on relationships and not getting in any physical altercations (yet).

I’m not Dr. Phil, I’m not a relationship expert but if you go on vacation with your girl, and you guys can’t get through a couple of days in paradise, how do you think it’s going to be back home? with real life in the way?


Sara and the baddest bitch to have on your side, Jonitta, take all of Brent’s shit and move it into another room. Now we’ve put two and two together that Brent has a severe case of OCD, something tells me this is not going to go over well. He completely deserved it and yet he is the one throwing a temper tantrum because his clothes are no longer organized by light to dark. Shocking.

Jonitta proves once and for all that she is in fact NOT SORRY about smacking Gabi in the face. She tells Brent he’s lucky she just got in trouble of else he’d be her next victim. Bad bitch ALERT.

Brent, known for his laid back and casual attitude, thinks back to the good old Jersey Shore days and with the help of some iteration of Ron Ron juice, he starts emptying Sara’s entire closet and throwing at all of the roommates who are starting and laughing. Sara throws a drink and a glass in his face, and this is starting to become their “thing”. No one wears glasses in this situation, so instead Jonitta goes for the hair gel. Savage.

Sara’s outside scream crying saying she is DONE with Brent, and I call bullshit. She will be back with him next episode, guaranteed.

It appears we are now switched to Monday night from now on, so adjust your DVR’s accordingly.



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