Before we even get to the episode, it’s time for us to talk about the Lohan Beach Club theme song. I would have not been offended if Lindsay had just mailed it in, dubbed her smash hit Rumors as the intro. But Lindsay is giving us more. She actually went into the studio and recorded for us. She doesn’t sing a lot, pretty much only just says “I’m just a little bossy” but it’s the best theme song I’ve heard since Fresh Prince.
The show starts with another very important scene showing Lindsay getting some pretty heavy medical work on the beach. She’s in some weird suit that’s vibrating her body and also getting her nails done. This really sets the tone for the entire episode.
Panos is meeting with the VIP hosts about the upcoming day at the Beach Club, and they find out they will be entertaining Big Sack for the day. Just kidding it’s Big Shaq but that’s Panos’ way of pronouncing it and he will not try any harder to get it right.
If you thought I was going to know who Alesso is, I am very out on Big Shaq. Never heard of him. He does not seem to get the people in Mykonos pumped up, but Lindsay is able to open up to him about her abusive past. To celebrate the moment they take a few snapchat videos.
Billy gets one minute of screen time thank god. Now we just need Aristotle to make an appearance. I think producers have to pick like 2-3 people per episode to give camera time and this was not the episode for sweet Billy and Aristotle.
Elsewhere Alex and Mike are doing a terrible job convincing people they are not going to fuck. They want to try to fight it but it’s undeniable, if you have to say you are not going to fuck someone this many times, you are definitely going to fuck them. Guaranteed hook up later in the episode. I’ve seen way too much reality TV.
Lindsay says if the Beach Club wants to succeed, they need to have epic music like the tunes from Big Shaq. Lindsay knows how nice it is to wake up in the morning and listen to a good song. She’s so relatable, big music lover.
Feels like the season is leading up to showing us that dance footage. We get a taste this time of Lindsay throwing up some LL hand signs like she’s been on the stage of a club a few times in her day.
The VIP hosts are told they have the night off, and nothing could possibly go wrong here. This is the first time I’m reminded Sara and Brent are boyfriend and girlfriend and on this TV show. Thank you MTV for giving me some space.
At the club, you will never guess what happens. Alex and Mike slip on a spilled beer and accidentally bump tongues with each other on the dance floor. I, for one, am shocked.
When they get home, Jonitta has liquid courage and decides to start shit with Gabi. She is mad because she invited a guy/potential client (not sure how that works are they actual hookers? is that legal in Mykonos??) and Gabi said hi and gave him a kiss on the cheek. When Jonitta asks if she thinks it was ok to say hi to this guy, Gabi gives the best answer of all time. “It is in Europe” and she has a point. I would use that relentlessly like want to do something stupid: “well, it’s Europe”.
I am still Team Jonitta, because I think Mike is right; she is not fake she is just crazy. These are the best type of people for reality TV. This fight is so dumb and when she dares Gabi to hit her, she falls right into the trap and hits her with an open face slap. I mean, Jonitta has long arms, it looked bad.
I don’t know if I would ever have the skills in a girl fight to pull a move like Jonitta does, but I do kind of see where she’s coming from. It’s why I love living by myself. Sometimes people aren’t bad people they just really fucking annoy you. You end up feeling bad because they really aren’t doing anything but being their normal selves and you’re just contemplating if you’re ready to risk it all.
Gabi heads to a hotel in her underwear to get away from the intense drama. Sounds like she won, I bet it was nice to sleep in a hotel bed in a room by herself for free.
In the morning, Panos reviews the footage on his phone. Feels a little creepy watching your employee’s drunk behavior when they are off the clock, but I’ll suspend reality for this one.
Panos makes it very clear because after all, THIS IS EUROPE. People don’t punch people here in Europe. That’s a US thing. I can’t say I have any data otherwise. Most of the horrible fight footage I’ve seen on Twitter is in the US.
Jonitta is clearly on the hot seat for how quickly she ended Gabi. Jonitta compares her slapping Gabi to telling someone not to play with a pitbull and that’s how you know someone is good at getting in girl fights. I’m envious.
She doesn’t seem as remorseful as Panos expects her to be and I’m not sure it helps she’s wearing those tiny asshole sunglasses and a shirt that says sorry and not sorry on the back.
Panos threatens Jonitta’s job and storms out. Brent giving advice on what Jonitta should have done in that situation is so laughable. You were throwing up on the side of the road last week.
We end on a cliffhanger wondering if Jonitta will be fired or not. From the previews of next week it kind of seems like Lindsay pulls the plug, which is a bummer because Brent is a far worse human being. Why didn’t Panos and Lindsay review the tape of Brent calling all these girls ugly and puking?? Just as I’m riled up about Brent, the previews flash to what looks like a Ronnie vs. Sammie level fight between him and Sara. I knew it was too good to be true.