Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club Episode 3: Sara, You Are Better Than This


We pick up this week’s episode with a quick refresher on fucking Brent. Last week he acted like he was better than everyone, got blackout, called everyone 2’s and got tequila poured on his head. Feels like this is setting up for a redemption story but if Lindsay was a real bad bitch she would have cut his ass after watching him puke on the side of the road.

Panos sits down with his metallic sunglasses and tells the hosts that DJ Alesso is coming this week. It sparks the biggest douchebag boner I’ve ever seen as their eyes light up like fucking Rihanna is coming through. Brent, who works at the Wynn in Vegas in case you forgot, should see this level of celebrity all the time yet I’m pretty sure he came his pants when Panos mentioned Alesso was coming. I mean how impressive is a guy who can press some buttons and drops a few beats for the people. I wouldn’t know who Alesso is if I went to a Vegas nightclub and literally looked into the DJ booth.

Jonitta has not been getting enough airtime and has been harshly criticized for actually doing her job instead of making out with the clients. I am firmly Team Jonitta.

Brent is “remorseful” for calling everyone ugly and being on a tequila tirade on day 2 but he is “a man” so he’s trying to own his actions and apologize. I do not fucking think so BRENT you are the boyest boy I’ve ever seen. Don’t you fucking DARE, Sara.

Lindsay and Panos are upset the hosts are “distracted” at work. I understand that typically at work you should not be distracted but come on, this is an MTV reality show set at Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club in Mykonos. Live a little. You literally need these people to be complete shitshows if you want this show to be renewed. No one watches Vanderpump Rules to watch efficient bartenders and polite servers.

The client Brent almost fucked last week is back probably because producers begged her to try and screw him over, and it works. He is running around like a puppy who peed on the rug trying to find Sara. Panos is like get over here you little sex slave and Brent is noticeably trying to hide.

“Brent used to be my star!!” says Panos, on episode 3 when Brent won’t fuck a client. Weird boss but ok.

Alesso is finally here and honestly I’m not sure which one he is. Lindsay sees he has a slightly bruised ankle, probably from dropping the beat too hard, and she puts on her candy striper uniform and starts wrapping his ankle. I love that this scene made the show only because clearly Lindsay demanded it.

Brent is finally able to locate Sara and she is none too thrilled that the European skank is back in the cabanas. She says she doesn’t care, Brent isn’t her boyfriend blah blah blah but I’m not buying it. She certainly sounds like someone who is about to forgive Brent.

It is being forced down our throats that Lindsay is very good friends, almost family, with Alesso. I don’t know if she’s doing this to help build her “brand” but I am now very aware that Lindsay Lohan and DJ Alesso are friends who wrap each others ankles when in need. Also, Brent works at the Wynn in Vegas.

Lindsay and Panos spend the entire episode talking about how everyone is getting too comfortable and how they need to avoid distractions. Please focus on your job but also I’m going to shoot you with a champagne gun. Lindsay’s not only a businesswoman, but a cool boss. Noted.

Panos calls Mike to let him know that they are getting a new roommate/host. Mike knows new roomie Alex from the gay bars together in West Hollywood, and obviously they have fucked before. Mike is bisexual and has been flirting (and making out) with Juliann, who’s name I just had to look up. So far this episode we have not really seen May, Billy, and Aristotle which is a big miss. I shudder to think that Lindsay has cut a shirtless Aristotle scene in favor of her wrapping Alesso’s ankle.

Sara is caving and I could see it coming from a mile away. Brent is NOT hot enough for this Sara. I’m so disappointed. “I see some changes in him” ?!?!?! It’s been 18 hours since you poured tequila over his head. He has hangover anxiety, he hasn’t changed.

Brent, who works at the Wynn, in Vegas, is on the ‘artist list’ for the Alesso concert and my skin is crawling. Obviously he’s bringing Sara and my girl Jonitta and I’m disappointed at Jonitta for not speaking up about this. I expected more from her. Nothing good can happen at a DJ Alesso concert, I’m sure of it.

In the midst of an epic beat drop surrounded by sweaty Europeans on ecstasy, Brent drops the G word. Sara girl, no. Run. Run away from Brent, away from the Beach Club and right outta Mykonos. There is no worse job title than Brent’s girlfriend. You going to trust him when he’s at the Wynn, in Vegas, where he works?? Sara is no bad bitch to me, unless she’s doing this on purpose to intentionally break his heart in which case, touche.

Panos is not happy with this 14 minute relationship because this isn’t a matchmaking service. I’m not sure he’s ever seen a reality TV show before but every good one actually needs a relationship. So literally, their job on this show is to fuck each other and cause drama. As people they are embarrassing but as reality tv “stars”, they are doing great, sweetie.

Mike goes to the airport to pick up Alex, who seems relatively normal but definitely here to fuck shit up. Mike is torn between Juliann and new roomie Alex but he decides he is going to keep his options open just 4 days into this show like a normal human being. Bravo, Mike, probably only until episode 5.

Jonitta doesn’t have great gay-dar so she asks if Alex is single, and would you look at that he has a boyfriend of 3 years. Alex and Mike will definitely be hooking up by episode 5.

Alex’s first group of clients are Italian model influencers and I’ve never been more terrified. Of all the groups of people…MAGA kids, teenage kids from California, moms of Facebook, reptile owners…Italian model influencers are my most feared. I’d quit on the spot but Alex just follows Brent’s lead and makes out with them. I am curious if his boyfriend considers this cheating, since he IS at work, and he seems grossed out by it.

Lindsay and Panos are always up to something, so we’ll have to stay tuned next week to see if anyone is getting kicked off. Lindsay thinks they are getting too comfortable even though they all seem pretty terrified of her TBH. Hopefully we get more Aristotle.

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