It’s Oscar season. I don’t care about any of that nonsense mainly because I can’t remember the last time I actually stepped foot in a movie theater. They are completely useless at this point for the following reasons:
1. Its all super hero movies or remakes of older better movies.
2. True happiness is scrolling through Netflix for an hour, putting something on you don’t really care about and then just sitting on your phone anyway.
3. It costs roughly $1 million to go see a movie now. Go see one movie or get a year worth of Netflix???? Pretty easy.
Anyway since the Oscars suck I present to you the 2019 Branded Sports Oscars. Enjoy
Best Male Actor: LeBron James
This is a runaway winner. Every year LeBron wins this award and he shows no sign of giving up the title anytime soon.
Best Female Actress: Sister Jean
Faking not being able to walk in order to get front row tickets to the Final Four is brilliant. Wish I thought of it myself.
Best Foreign Language: Coach O
When it comes to foreign films it’s not about understanding what people say. It’s about the raw emotion. That’s Coach O in a nutshell.
Best Supporting Actor: Nick Foles
I mean this is the easiest choice of all time. Lead goes down and the supporting role comes in and takes the Birds to the promise land.
Best Original Song: The Fergie National Anthem Remix
One of the rare cases where the remix is better than the original. Mostly because the original was an embarrassment to the United States Of America and really mankind as a whole. Sound bangs.
Best Costume Design: Gritty
The only costume design that mattered this past year. Gritty took the world by storm and hasn’t looked back. Will he run for President in 2020? No. But could he win? You bet.
Best Supporting Actress: Gisele
Tommy goes to his one billionth Super Bowl in a row and his super model wife couldn’t be more excited. That is the love and support every man dreams of having.
Best Documentary: Washington Capitals After Winning The Cup
No one ever celebrated a win harder than the Capitals. They needed to be documented everywhere they went for about a week and a half straight. Let’s hope for a repeat.
Best Picture: LeBron – JR Smith
If a picture is worth a thousand words, this is worth a billion. One of the greatest moments in sports history turned into one of the greatest sports memes. This was the exact second LeBron said “fuck this I’m out.”
There you have it, the 2019 winners. We laughed, we cried and we most likely lost too much money betting the overs. See you next Oscar season.