How To Crush Blogger School


If you’ve made it this far thank you for thinking I could contribute something valuable to actual paid full time bloggers. Fake it til you make it right? What could I possibly teach these bloggers about their jobs when I literally sell carpet for a living? I’ve only been blogging for 7 years writing the stories that other bloggers are afraid to dive into. Getting your hands dirty with the grueling investigations of Danny Amendola and Olivia Culpo’s private life through Instagram stories…the medical research into Dwight Howard’s piriformis muscle…and the bravery to take basic bitches head on is not for everyone.

Blogger school ain’t for the faint of heart. You have to form your own opinion and put it out to the world for everyone to openly scrutinize and disagree with. Hey! Read this and tell me I’m funny! At least that’s the version of blogging I respect. No one wants to read stat lines and percentages. People click on conspiracy theories, drunk fights in the stands, and if all goes right a coach throws a layup and pees his pants.

Sometimes the stories write themselves, like when Lindsay Lohan busts a damn move:

Kawhi Leonard laughs:

Or a women shits on the floor of a Tim Horton’s.


And sometimes you have to be the one to to take hold of the story, say things people are scared to say out loud. Pete Davidson’s butthole eyes worked because we were all thinking it but didn’t know how to put it into words until Uncle Chaps did it for us.

You never know what you’re going to get in the blogging world, or when the moments of genius will hit. Sometimes you have to be the first to blog it, and sometimes you have to be the best at blogging it. It’s about being multidimensional. The greatest of our generation find a perfect balance of click bait and think pieces. Quantity and quality, yes you can have both.

If you’re lucky there’s a glitch in the system and you register a click from Australia. You keep doing it and working at it until your closest friends and supporters are curious enough to click. You make a couple of random strangers laugh on the internet.  Maybe it stops there. But if you’re lucky enough to get paid to write blogs for a living, you better put your fucking foot on their throats and blog your ass off. Make people mad, make people cry and make people click. At least that’s what I’d do.

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