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Men And Women Across New England Fear No Man Will Ever Measure Up To Tom Brady

Tom Brady sure wasn’t perfect in this game. For about 3 hours I feared that horrible play call and decision to throw the ball from the 1 yard line would be the story of the season for the Patriots. They win on a throw on goal line play from the 1, and karma finally caught up so they lose on a throw on a goal line play from the 1. Apparently that’s like the 3rd time anyone has ever thrown from the 1 in the playoffs and I sure as fuck know why.

It was a terrible decision and every time the Patriots got a call to go their way or a fake roughing the passer penalty to help them I worried it would catch up. Surely the refs would say the ball touched Edelman, not enough evidence to overturn. Nope. Chris Hogan caught a once in a lifetime one handed ball that might have bobbled. Surely that would be overturned. Nope. JC Jackson gives up the first TD of his career. Ball is thrown high to Gronk, gets picked but the Chiefs were offsides. It just felt like this was bound to end with the Chiefs winning. The Patriots controlling most of the game, but still coming up short. But nope. Tom Brady exists. You put all your chips in with pocket aces and the flop comes out prime for a flush. The turn gives you nothing and you hold your breath watching the river. Ace. That’s what it feels like to be a Patriots fan. To have aces every hand, and to actually know how to play poker.

Not to say it’s not stressful. My anxiety was at a 10 starting from OT in the NFC Championship game. Just because you go to the AFC Championship every year doesn’t make it any less stressful. At this time of year you have to be able to survive a punt coming within millimeters from your best WR’s fucked up fingertips or your quarterback throwing a pick at the 1 yard line. Millions of fans don’t have the emotional stamina. Bengals fans pray to lose in the AFC Championship in heartbreaking fashion in overtime at home. Bills fans would melt like dildos in the hot sun if faced with a 4 point deficit and 1 minute to go. To be honest I wasn’t built for this either. I’m the type of fan that’s only comfortable with completely dominant, blowout wins. But as a Patriots fan, I am asked for more. I will always do my job. If you can bear the drama, the local media scrutiny and the vicious social media harassment, we will give you championships. And I have to say, it’s worth it. This generation of Patriots fans may only have a live a max life expectancy of 75, but I’ll take the Super Bowls.

But with the Patriots AFC Championship win, to go to their 3rd straight Super Bowl with a chance to win their 6th Super Bowl with Tom Brady and Bill Belichick, I’m worried the Patriots may have ruined my chances at true happiness. Nothing will ever make me feel as happy as the Patriots winning. I worry I may not ever find a husband, because every man will let me down when compared to Tom Brady. In the middle of a fight, could I look in your eyes and know that you aren’t going to fuck it up? Probably not. But when Tom Brady is in the middle of a fight, you can just look into his eyes and you know. We all knew Tom Brady was going to lead a touchdown drive with 1 minute left in the game. We all knew Tom Brady was going to score on the first drive of OT. No man will ever do that much for my happiness, I guarantee it.

I admit, I didn’t watch overtime live. I wrestle with my own superstitious OCD all the time. I wear the “lucky” jersey, stay in my apartment, cross my fingers, go in the other room. I don’t know what the best mix of actions is that leads to the winning but I know I have some sort of influence. I wasn’t in the room to witness Malcolm Butler’s pick in 2014, I was doing dishes in the kitchen. But I wasn’t watching when Mario Manningham completed that sideline catch either.

It took me a while to see the 3rd down catches in OT with my own eyes. For the most part I just listened, from the bathroom in the dark. Cheers were bad, silence was golden. Upon review the 3rd down throws…2 to Edelman and 1 to Gronk were some of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. If the Patriots win the Super Bowl, it kind of makes up for the catches in Super Bowl 52 that we’ll never get to watch again.

These are the type of plays that tell people exactly how big of a dick you have without showing them. Tom Brady, Julian Edelman, Rob Gronkowski and Bill Belichick have the biggest dicks of anyone in this stadium unless Tommy Lee was at the game and they just whipped them out right there on the field. It’s the type of graphic pornography Philly fans would get to enjoy of they stuck with Nick Foles. Any other team, with any other coach, in any other decade and we may not have seen this greatness. It’s written in the stars, and we’re all just lucky to witness it.

When you are down, and you really need him to save you, Tom Brady will always be there. Typing it out like that makes it seem like a real religion, and that’s because it is. I was Bat Mitzvah’d and still light the Hanukkah candles but there’s nothing I have more blind faith in than Tom Brady and the New England Patriots.

Pay Patrick Mahomes $200 million dollars, go right ahead. He probably deserves it. If he had another drive I have no doubt he would have scored another TD. I just wouldn’t want any other quarterback other than Tom Brady. Whatever ‘it’ is, he has it. You can hate him all you want, I don’t blame you, but that’s MY QUARTERBACK. I will follow him into the depths of hell, blindfolded down tumultuous white water rapids. He will always lead us to the school for the blind.

With the same youthful exuberance of a kid winning a little league game:

You can hate on him as much as you want, but he’s a classy mother fucker too, you’ve got to admit.

Follow me

@aliweitz

@badgalstoolie

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