So the other day, I got back on the blogging grind. It was a tremendous day in the world of quality content. Birds were singing, the sun was dancing upon the faces of doe-eyed, Midwestern lovers and a few angels shed a tear that dripped down my balls (shout out Lil’ Jon).
Anyway, I had a conversation with a few buddies the other day and it got relatively intense. The topic at hand concerned the 10 Best sit-down restaurants in existence and I’d be remiss if I didn’t dish out some food for thought.
For the record, I was born and raised in Massachusetts so don’t expect to see anything exotic on here. Whenever food gets brought up, the worst person in the conversation is always the dude who brings up the place that no one else has ever been to. Listen bro, no one gives a shit you smashed Señor Frogs with your 12 fuckboy friends during Spring Break back in 2015. Not to mention, I thought “you couldn’t remember the trip” lolzzz.
So keep in mind that this will predominantly be a New England based lists. Leave your regional complexes at the door…
I can’t lie, this is essentially a nostalgia pick. There’s a Friendly’s I could throw a rock and hit from my house but I haven’t been there since S Club 7 was hot in the streets. Part of that is due to the fact I was fired from my ice cream girl position during high school for smelling like weed one day. For the record, I smelled like weed because I smoked weed that day. I don’t think I’ve smoked since to be honest. That said, the second reason I haven’t gone back is because it’s my assertion that, although breakfast is my favorite meal of the day, it’s also the most criminally overrated.
In fact, one of my pipe dreams in life has always been to open a local breakfast place. Why? Because breakfast is awesome, and more importantly, incredibly easy to make. You have to be lacking in the chromosome department to fuck up eggs and bacon. It’s like pizza in that some slices are better than others but in the end, it’s still pizza. You need to have an incredibly pretentious culinary palette to hate on a particular breakfast order.
Furthermore, local breakfast places crush because they provide an ambiance that a chain can’t replicate. Breakfast was intended to be consumed in a closet-sized diner that’s open 6 hours a week while some 72-year-old woman named Betty or something comes around with a pot of coffee and asks “whattayahavingsweetheart?” Either that, or at 4am in the morning to dilute an eventual hangover. Friendly’s is good, but only on here to satisfy the breakfast conglomerate.
Little known fact: I actually worked here so when I heard it was closing, onions started chopping. I had a lot of great memories at that place, like the time some dude bumped into me and I spilled an entire Blue Moon on this baby (total drama queen about it, by the way) or this time when some dude in jean shorts turned blue and nearly choked to death in the dining room. I just stood there, pretending there wasn’t a chunk of $12 lamb lodged in this dude’s esophagus for as long as I could until someone begged me to call the ambulance. I did. Where’s my “I Save Lives” mug, nursing community?
The only thing I didn’t like about working there—outside of the fact I worked there—was this grandiloquent attempt to make everything sound more authentic. I was forced to describe everything as “pan-seared” or “born from Sicily” and shit when I should’ve just been like, “Yeah dude, this showed up on a truck from Rhode Island 2 hours ago. Just eat it.”
Final note: everyone raves about the rolls (with good reason) but I’ll stick my neck out to claim that Bertucci’s has the most underrated chain restaurant pizza of all time. Also, they used to give you dough to play with when you were a kid. Fucking game-changer in the booth. Crayons got cucked.
Second side note: Olive Garden sucks. That place once served me pasta with half of the plastic bag still in the dish. When I brought it up, they insinuated it was my fault. Shove those bread sticks up your ass, dude…
3.) Outback Steakhouse
Not much to say here. Just a solid place that feels more upscale than it is because it predominantly features steak. I’m not a steak guy (I’m poor) but you can’t go wrong with a cheeseburger from there, not to mention the rye bread they serve on the wood cutting block with that Bear Grylls assault knife through the middle.
Also, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the Bloomin’ Onion, which is the most reprehensible plate of food anyone could ever consume. All it takes is three or four handfuls of that shit and you’ll need to clear your schedule for a couple days. Coma fuel like you read about…
2.) Buffalo Wild Wings
I worked at Buffalo Wild Wings as a side gig for a few months and it was hell in a bottle. Just 6 hours a night having to listen to a bunch of cheap, blowhard hacks criticize the culinary integrity of $9 steak. Like fuck off dude. If you wanted filet mignon, there’s a Morton’s down the street. In no situation can you order buffalo cheese fries with ranch and then expect high quality tender sirloin to come out next.
As a customer though, you get what you get. I used to head to this place with a buddy of mine on Thursday Nights in college to crush a color rush game since we didn’t get the NFL Network in our dorm.
EVERY time, I would order a grilled chicken wrap with whatever bullshit chipotle ranch sauce they had and EVERY time they’d screw it up. I’m talking 8-9 visits in a row and everyone would ask why I keep ordering it and the only explanation I had was that it was similar to betting. If I’m at a roulette table, if I’ve thrown money on black for 3-4 turns without any kickback, I’m going back to the well until the tables turn because I just know once I go red, that ball will park itself on the black faster than one of my ex-girlfriends.
That said, if you give me sports and beer, I’ll travel. Not to mention, B-Dubz is a must on the opening day of March Madness.
My buddy calls it “The Machine.” We go nearly every Saturday to catch Tiger on moving day because, well, he’s back. I don’t have much more to say here. Something about the ambiance that gets me…