Philly Owns Minnesota

Mark J. Giannone

This is the story of how a badass sports city has taken ownership of the softest state in America.

It all really started in 2016 when the Vikings desperately traded a first round pick to the Eagles for Sam Bradford a week before the regular season. Yes that’s right folks, a team really gave up a top pick for broken Sammy Sleeves. Prior to that trade the Eagles were without a first rounder in 2017. With that pick they drafted DE Derrick Barnett who would go on to recover a Tom Brady fumble in the fourth quarter of Super Bowl 52.

Our story really began to heat up a year ago when Vikings fans “invaded” the Philadelphia Art Museum on the morning of the NFC Championship Game. Apparently to Minnesotans an invasion consists of 100 idiots dressed in purple clapping their hands. To add to the painful disrespect the “invaders” saw fit to dress our beloved Rocky statue in a purple bath towel. You can imagine the horror. Here’s the tweet from the Vikings official account at the scene of the crime:

Well, the Vikings certainly did come. They came in scored seven points and then allowed 38 unanswered to the Eagles led by their well endowed quarterback Nick Foles. When fans at the Linc weren’t chanting “we want Brady” they rubbed salt in the wounds of all fifteen Vikings fans in attendance by changing their “skol” chant to a deafening “Foles”. Then the cherry on top of the Championship Sunday was a loud, probably drunk, Eagles fan simply yelling “GO BIRDS” in the face of the mom from Bobby’s World. That was it, the Vikings and a handful of their fans came in got their balls beaten off and were shipped back to Minnesota. Unfortunately for Vikings fans, it was just the beginning.

Our mighty Eagles then flew into Minneapolis for Super Bowl 52. The butthurt Vikings fans, still hurt from their crushing loss two weeks earlier, gave the birds and their fans a less than warm welcome. One bar displayed a sign inviting Eagles fans to come in and have a beer thrown at them. Now, if it’s a joke they were trying to make about Philly fans they should have said batteries or snowballs. Here in Philly we drink beer we don’t throw it, we aren’t savages.

You want to talk about an invasion? For starters we literally marked their territory, as seen below:

Thousands of Philadelphians arrived in Minnesota throughout Super Bowl week and took over the city of Minneapolis. Throughout the halls of the Mall of America, their only landmark, you could hear loud chants of E-A-G-L-E-S. Then finally Sunday came and Vikings fans worst nightmare came true. The Eagles won the Super Bowl. As the celebration poured onto Broad Street in Philly, Minnesotans poured tears of sorrow into their yellow pigtails.

Fast forward to November and Philly’s dominance of Minnesota continued, but this time in basketball. The 76ers acquired Jimmy Butler from the Timberwolves in exchange for Dario Saric, Robert Covington, Jerryd Bayless and a 2022 second-round pick. Yes that’s right, a star player for a fringe starter, a player Sixers fans only claimed to love to fill their Process tribute videos, and a player most people forgot existed. I’m sure Wolves fans would try to say they won the trade because Butler was a cancer. However, Butler is just a strong willed competitor who hated playing with soft players like Andrew Wiggins and Karl Anthony-Towns. The players are soft, the city is soft, and Jimmy Buckets just had too much testosterone for their fans to relate to.

It’s a well known fact that throughout the state of Minnesota children and their parents wake up screaming after dreaming of Nick Foles. Their grim reaper doesn’t wear a black robe while wielding a sickle, he wears midnight green while sporting a Louisville slugger sized bulge. All the Vikings had to do to make the playoffs week 17 of the NFL season was win a home game against a Bears team with nothing to play for. The Eagles needed to beat the Redskins and needed a Vikings loss. Seems like everything was in favor of the Vikings, right? WRONG! The problem for the Vikings was they had Kirk Cousins playing quarterback who is allergic to big games, and the Eagles had Nick Foles. Foles and the birds dismantled the Skins in a shutout and the Vikings got buried on their home field. They let the Eagles in. Ya think the Eagles have gotten to Vikings fans yet? Check this idiot out:

If you lick your screen you can actually taste the saltiness of this tweet. Philly owns as much real estate in this dude’s head as Donald Trump does in New York. To think his team beat the Eagles this season too. He is the perfect example of a butthurt Vikings fan. They tried to assert themselves in the big city last year and got embarrassed on a national stage. Ever since that day they are more concerned with the Eagles losing than the Vikings winning. Our Super Bowl victory eats at the tweeter above. No doubt on Sundays he watches his team and has his phone on locked onto what the Eagles are doing. It’s a sick obsession he has. You have to feel bad for him.

As if two sports weren’t enough, this week the Flyers joined the fun. They took on the Wild in Philly on Monday night and smoked them 7-4. Want to add more insult to inury? Good, me too. The Flyers entered that game with the worst record in the NHL while the Wild were in the hunt for third in their division. The Flyers hadn’t scored more than three goals in their previous nine games. The dominance continued Tuesday night on the hardwood. For the first time since the Butler trade the Sixers and Timberwolves faced off in South Philly. Calling this game a blowout wouldn’t be doing it justice. The Sixers demolished the T-Wolves by 42 points. The Timberwolves are currently in eleventh place in the West while the Sixers sit firmly in the playoff picture in the East as a top four seed.

Minnesota is a sad desolate sports city. They have just two championships in the Super Bowl era and both of them belong to the Twins. The Timberwolves are usually on the outside looking into the playoff picture. The Vikings are without a Super Bowl win. The North Stars and Wild have no Stanley Cups between the two franchises. The saga between the City of Brotherly Love and the Gopher State (lol) appears to be just heating up. Philadelphia has a firm hold on this one sided rivalry both on the playing surface and off. Minnesotans hate Philadelphians and that’s just fine with us. Here in Philly we just kick back and laugh at their pain.

 

PHOTO CREDIT: NYPOST.COM

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