Ru How To: Helping Your Wife Get Through Labor

Nick Ru

Welcome to another edition of Ru how to, I’m Ru.  Today I am going to walk you through getting your wife through labor.  It is a magical and tough moment in every couples life.  Regardless of what the national media says it’s extra hard on us as men.  There is so much we have to do, while women just worry about pushing a baby out we have our hands in hundreds of different pots trying to help.  It’s tough on us and nobody likes to give us the credit we deserve.  Sit back and relax my friends.  Let me walk you through this magical time.

Contractions have begun.  Your wife is feeling it and you now have one million things running around in your head.  You have to get bags, you have to get the car started you have to make sure she’s ok.  It’s a lot I know it is, that’s why you have to take things one step at a time to help her out.  You can only do so much at once.  Remember gents this is all on you, they have to do one thing give birth, it’s very easy on them mentally to only have that one task at hand.  First think you need to do when the contractions start is go take a shower.  Sit her on the couch and give her a glass of water but you need to get fresh for your new babies arrival.  She will be ok while you put some hot water on and soap up your body.  After all you want to be clean when you see your new baby don’t you?  Take your time enjoy the quiet because it’ll never be this quiet again.  Enjoy your alone time enjoy this shower soak in it for a bit.  You will have earned this moment.

Once you get out of the shower get dressed, put on sweats trust me you’ll not only need to have comfort but flexibility.  Remember she only has one thing to do you’re doing everything all the heavy lifting all of the hard work.  Put on some comfortable shoes and go throw your bags in the car.  Help your lady down the steps after your 45 minute shower and 25 minute time of getting ready she’ll have much closer contractions, that’s less time in the hospital something she will thank you for.  Get in the car buckle up and get on your way to your first destination.  Chic-Fil-a.  Why?  You need to carbo load and you don’t want to have no energy for this long night ahead.  Do not get her anything because every birth ends in a poop and nobody wants to see a chic-fil-a birth poop.  Don’t go inside but park somewhere so you can eat.  It would be unsafe to drive and eat.  Now once you’re done eating her contractions will be about 4 minutes apart.  Great job you have timed this out perfectly.  Now get to the hospital.

You have arrived to the hospital walk inside and get to the room where you’ll be giving birth.  At some point someone will come in for the epidural.  Once the epidural is in you’ll need to take a nap.  You’ve done so much in the last few hours you have worn yourself out.  Go to sleep she’ll be fine, not a lot she can do or has to worry about the lucky duck.  At some point you’ll be woken up to her shaking body, the doctor and nurse will come in and stick three fingers in your wife and she’s ready to give birth.    This is where thing’s get really intense for you.  It won’t be easy you have the hardest job in the world.  You have to watch your wife be split wide open while your child’s bulbus head comes out.  You’ll start to think about her womanly parts, will they ever go back to normal? Are they ruined?  What is going to happen with your sex life?  Do you ever want to have sex with her again?  Yes, the answer is yes, just hold her leg up and don’t let go.  It’s not easy watching any of this.  She doesn’t have to watch and you take on that pain for her.  You’re the man after all.

This is where things get violent.  Things are going to start coming out of her that you didn’t know could come out of a human body.  The placenta is going to fly out and nearly knock your head off, there will be some poop but you do not let go of her leg.  You hold on to that leg, you never let go no matter what comes out of there.  You’re going to be sweating, and hurting you’ll be sore but you can do this!  You help her push that baby out.

After many, many grueling minutes of holding your wifes leg, your baby will have been born.   Sit back in a chair and relax enjoy this accomplishment you have made, you did it.  You gave your wife the power to push out a baby.  You’re a hero and you didn’t do it for the accolades or the compliments, you did it because you’re a dad and you’re a man.

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