Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club Episode 2 Recap: Brent Is Cancelled


It took one full episode and about 4 minutes into the second for Brent to be the most hated man in Mykonos and for America to recognize Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club as infinitely better than The Bachelor.

This episode starts with Lindsay asking the VIP hosts to set their intentions for this job, which only means Lindsay has been doing some yoga lately. No one talks about intentions more than yoga instructors.

The hosts scramble to write anything other than become reality TV famous and sell diarrhetic tea on Instagram, which let’s be honest is everyone’s intention. Lindsay casually name drops Oprah, which has nothing to do with this show but I’m not going to question a Lohan. Very curious if Oprah sends Lindsay to voicemail or if she actually answers.

Lindsay keeps reinforcing the Lohan brand. How hard she has worked for the “Lohan brand” and as a former advertising professional I really would like to know what this brand stands for. Lindsay Lohan is known for The Parent Trap, Mean Girls and being a complete mess of a human being for most of her adult life. I applaud her for getting her act together enough to purchase a beach club, secure a reality show and….not die but let’s not act like the Lohan brand is like the Kardashians or the royal family.

Aristotle speaks for the first time this season and he is for sure the hottest guy on this show. AND he has daddy issues? #AristotleForBachelor

Brent started off the season with a bang, as he literally almost banged the first VIP client of the Lohan Beach Club and was immediately praised by his boss. I’ve never seen a less alpha male trying to be an alpha male. If I ran into Brent at the Wynn in Vegas (did you hear he works there?) I would definitely cover my drink with my hand.

So when ‘Totle (much better nickname than Ari) gets the lead on this week’s VIP client, Brent forces himself in there like everyone’s 10 year old photos into my timeline this week.

Turns out this client is bat shit crazy and wants Aristotle to avoid speaking to his dogs, named Sex and Luca, as well as wipe his feet off with towels. Fucking a random Euro skank was fine for Brent but wiping down a man’s feet is below his pay grade at the Wynn in Vegas, where he works…if you haven’t heard, so he makes fun of the sweet and pure Aristotle for doing whatever the clients ask. In this case that also includes some light acrobatic work and I can’t blame him; I would not mind doing some Cirque Du Soleil with Aristotle either.

At this point it is very clear the episode is the anti-Brent episode. I don’t know if it is a function of the production staff or Brent’s actual personality, but judging by the later events on the episode I’m guessing it’s the latter. He is trying to hard to be the alpha of this show when we very obviously already have one in Lindsay Lohan and two in her business partner Panos.

Last week, Brent tried to call dibs on Sara. He must have heard women love being treated like property, especially women as hot as Sara.

From what I’ve seen of Sara so far, she is clearly a bad bitch. So much so that another VIP host/bartender Billy reminds her that she is not actually owned by Brent and he is perhaps interested in being in a forced romantic reality tv storyline with her. They show old pictures of Billy and we can already tell he is 100x nicer than Brent. He knows how to treat a lady because former fat, nerdy kids spent so much time in the friend zone just listening to girls talk about what they want. It’s literally the plot of Just Friends and Billy is the modern day Ryan Reynolds.

Brent sees Billy speaking very normally with Sara and begins his downward spiral to Blackout City, dragging down everyone else in the house on the way. He claims all of the girls in the house are ugly 2’s..when in reality half of these girls are super models. Remember though, Brent works in Vegas, at the Wynn.

As he proceeds to chug various hard alcohol straight from the bottle, the insults get worse. My personal favorite is telling the extremely hot blonde model that he’s just ‘not attracted to blondes’ like they are a different species.

He is blackout so obviously not aware of the volume of his voice as all the girls listen from the roof. Billy is quite definitely the most mature person on this show and he has spent a lot of time trying to speak some sense into an arrogant intoxicated prick. Inspired by a wave of feminism led by their boss who bought the beach her ex abused her on, the girls walk hand in hand to pour a bottle of cheap tequila over Brent’s head. He barely flinches, probably because the alcohol will go more quickly into his bloodstream through his eyeballs. Everyone knows that.

The only positive about Brent is that he did not react with blind anger and punch any walls, as many douchebags before him would. It’s likely because he can’t even walk, and good guy Billy is here to save the day. He takes him to the side of the road, not to any of the functioning bathrooms in the house, and forces him to puke. Billy is an actual angel, or at least until I find out he is a cheater.

MTV pulls a savage camera trick, showing a very clear shot of Brent with puke all over his face. After calling him out earlier in the episode it’s clear the production team put on assignment for this show is the A team.

Cut to Lindsay’s house where they are butchering fish at 1130pm. I know this is Greece so people probably eat dinner at all hours of the night but slicing up a fresh salmon is not something I will be caught dead doing a few ticks before midnight, ever. I’m not sure how the scenes with Lindsay and her friends fit into the show at all, except I know Lindsay demanded them to be included. People are swallowing dead fish eyeballs now and I am way too high for this.

Until next week Lindsay…Tuesday night TV is back!

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