Well, ladies and gentlemen, the day has come and gone. Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino is officially locked up for the next eight months.
Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino Surrendering to Begin Prison Sentence https://t.co/Q5Vy6Hccx3
— TMZ (@TMZ) January 15, 2019
Sitch turned himself into a federal prison in upstate New York yesterday after being sentenced to eight months for tax fraud.
Listen, Mike may not be the brightest bulb in the shed, but if you try and tell me he didn’t have a major impact on your life – you’re a fucking liar. I may be aging myself a bit here, but I was in college from ’07-’11. AKA, my junior and senior years were completely defined by Jersey Shore. Let me give you a quick breakdown of my Thursday nights:
7pm: The pregame starts. Drinking Ron Ron Juice, Keystone Light, and Four Loko’s. Dress code was either no shirt, or wife beater. Pretty obvious, as it wasn’t yet t-shirt time.
8pm: We’re an hour into the pregame, and one hour away from the start of the latest episode of Jersey Shore. Starting to feel a bit tipsy.
9pm: IT’S EPISODE TIME!!! EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!! We watch the episode and love every second of it. Living vicariously through them and fist pumping every time something cool happened.
10pm: IT’S T SHIRT TIMEEEE!! Quick run upstairs and throw on your shirt. It’s .. about .. to go .. DOWN.
10:15pm – 12am: Penny Beers at Oscar’s. You pay 5 bucks at the door and essentially drink for free for two hours. This place was fucking unreal. I’m already all jazzed up from the Loko’s & shotguns, so these Natty’s are flowing like water.
12:15am – 2am: Straight to the third floor of Hardware we go. The third floor is 18 to enter, so of course that’s where we went. A big sweaty, wet, smelly pile of college students grinding on each other hoping to find the one they can ride off into the sunset with. By sunset I mean grab a dollar slice and take them straight to pound town.
None of this would have happened if it wasn’t for Sitch and the Jersey Shore crew. They led by example. They taught us how to become the responsible adults we are today.
Now that’s all wrecked because Mike decided to not pay his taxes. What a dumb thing to do. Literally everyone who ever tried to evade paying taxes has gotten caught. What an idiot.
Now that Mike has one full night in prison under his belt, I wonder how he’s going to hold up in the pen. I mean, we’re talking about the dude who tried to put his head through a solid cement wall and nearly snapped his neck. This dude does not give a fuck. If I had to guess, he probably already has his own bitch. I mean, that’s the only way to survive in the joint. Assert your dominance immediately and make it known that you are not to be fucked with.
If you’d like to write Mike a letter while he’s behind bars, you can do so. Here’s the address:
Federal Correctional Institution
PO Box 1000
Otisville, NY 10963
Alright people, I gotta go. CABS ARE HEAAA!