If you are too serious for sarcasm and don’t like being fun, then don’t bother reading this article.
For starters, I have to give my CEO, Joe the credit for this amazing article idea. Yes, I am a die hard Eagles fan…it’s pretty obvious in my Twitter account and the fact that 75% of my followers are also Eagles fans. It’s also clear through my articles, Twitter and word of mouth that I am a woman who knows about sports, specifically that of the NFL. I take pride in being a woman who knows her shit and who can talk with the boys about any NFL related topic.
However, in this article, I’m going to be cliche as fuck and talk about a certain group of football players based solely on their looks.
After the Eagles lost in the playoffs on Sunday to the Saints (I don’t want to know about it), a list of “possible free agents” for Philadelphia arose on the Internet….see below for said list:
Now, rather than being all “data savvy” and breaking down each player on who the Eagles should resign based on their playing ability, I’m going to list and rank who they should resign based on each players “hotness” level.
Bet you didn’t see that coming now did you?
Each player will get a rating (as men often give to women) from 1-10 based entirely on their looks. If they suck at football? Well I really don’t give a shit because if they’re attractive enough they most likely will be staying on the roster. This list has nothing to do with how good or terrible they are at football. This list has to do with how great their hair is, how toned their abs are, if their biceps make my heart rate rise to the top, and if their smile gives me that funny feeling through out my body.
Starting from the bottom:
13. Haloti Ngata – 2/10 – this guy could legit eat me and I’m scared.
12. Nate Sudfeld – 3/10 – he looks like he’s 12 and I like my men super manly so that’ll be a no for me.
11. Jordan Matthews – 3/10 – he has a major case of “resting bitch face” and it doesn’t make me excited what so ever.
10. Ronald Darby – 4/10 – Although he has some of the best skin I have ever seen, that hair is way too much and I couldn’t handle it. Some people may like that hair, I however am not one of those people.
9. Nick Foles – 4.5/10 – I can’t NOT SEE Napoleon Dynamite when I look at him and that’s enough to put him at the bottom 5.
8. Darren Sproles – 5/10 – If this was based on skills, he would be higher on the list, but this is simply a superficial list and although I find Sproles to have great style and his height actually doesn’t bother me, I’m just not feelin his look. Sorry not sorry!
7. Jay Ajayi – 6/10 – Jay Train has serious style and when a man dresses well, that is major major points.
6. Brandon Graham – 6.5/10 – I’m a sucker for smiles. His is on point. Also, his daughter is obsessed with him. Also, he has very kind eyes and that’s hella sexy.
5. Chris Maragos – 7/10 – I have a thing for baldis. I’m marrying a bald guy. Maragos is a hot bald guy but I just wish he was built a little thicker.
4. Jordan Hicks – 7.5/10 – tall, dark and handsome is what Jordan Hicks is, but his tree trunk long and well defined biceps take me to another level.
3. Mike Wallace – 8.5/10 – He is sexy. I hate the word swagger, but Wallace has that about him and it’s enough to make me search shirtless pics of him on google. Sad to say I couldn’t find any. Ladies, please feel free to DM if you happen to find any. Would love to see.
2. Golden Tate – 9/10 – He is so god damn cute. Look at that smile? And he’s holding his baby which makes him even cuter. DILF. I love you.
1. Chris Long – 9.5/10 – Tattoos (drool), muscles (drool)….he is a real treat to look at and a god damn snack. I love you, also.
Excuse me while I go put an ice pack on my forehead. That top 5 needs to stay in Phili. Just sayin.