Okay, so the big news over the last few days in the NFL has been the vortex of new coaching hires. Guys like Adam Gase, Matt LaFleur, Vic Fangio, Bruce Arians, and Freddie Kitchens (who sounds like a celebrity chef) all plan to unpackage their new Bose SoundComm B30 Headsets by the end of the month and every last talking head on the planet seemingly has an opinion on it.
In particular, given its erratic circumstances, the Cardinals’ hiring of Kliff Kingsbury has been the most provocative signing so far. Some have praised the move, some have admonished it, but the one thing everyone’s failed to address remains: How does this affect the current erotic landscape of the NFL Coaches Association?
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Joe, what qualifies you to judge other men based on their erotic dexterity?”
Well, first and foremost, I’m the co-president of the Hot Dudes Association—an organization I founded to ensure the sociocultural rights of attractive guys everywhere. In other words, the HDA is essentially a D-League NAACP branch with dope business cards…
As for the concerns regarding my sexual orientation’s influence on the rankings, don’t worry. Outside of a couple Chilean campus groundskeepers I blew in college, I’m definitely not gay; nevertheless, I’m a paragon of journalistic integrity. I don’t hitch my wagon to sensationalistic, deceptive, or baseless practices to vindicate my craft. When you see “Joey Boats” on the marquee, you’re getting blue-chip, objective reporting.
Through intensive research and deliberation, I determined my rankings using three categories—Physical Appearance, Fashion Sense, and Charisma—based on 10-point rating system. The cumulative score of all three categories results in what I’ve dubbed a “Smoke Rating.” The higher the Smoke Rating, the higher the ranking. Pretty par for the course type stuff.
With that said, let’s get into it…
10. Andy Reid (Smoke Rating: 7.2)
Point Blank: You’re a liar if you claim to have watched Andy Reid lumber/sporadically grunt along the sidelines for an entire game and never thought to yourself, “Under the right circumstances, I’d fucking go down on that guy.”
The former Punt, Pass, and Kick standout brings up the rear in the rankings with a mustache ride capable of leaving the late Shyla Stylez convulsing for more. Armed with enough Hawaiian shirts to adorn an entire Pro Bowl coaching roster, conventional wisdom would suggest he isn’t “fashionably great”; however, Big Red’s history of poor clock management confirms he’s actually just “fashionably late.”
9. Jon Gruden (Smoke Rating: 7.7)
Jon Gruden Spider 2 Y Banana’s his way into the nine spot because, although the 12-year vet doesn’t scream “sex symbol,” there’s no denying his passion and unpredictability—two characteristics that force janitors to break out the wet floor sign.
If he had any more redeeming sexual characteristics, he’d be higher on this list; however, even if he did, he probably would’ve already traded them away for a pair of late-round draft picks.
8. The Ghost of Benny Mac (Smoke Rating: 8)
The Ben McAdoo era in New York was short-lived, but boy did it deliver. Although the Pennsylvania native’s inaugural season in the Meadowlands showcased the charm and ingenuity you would expect from a big market head coach, it was McAdoo’s sophomore campaign (and subsequent haunting) that catapults him into the top 10.
When Ben McAdoo ditched his moptop and flowing middle-part for a sexy slicked-back, Vito Corleone look, it marked the birth of an icon. When it occurred, I likened it to that scene in The Dark Knight Rises where Bane explains that “No one cared who I was until I put on the mask.” No one cared about Ben McAdoo during his first year, but the minute he twisted the cap off that hair gel, things changed. He became Benny Mac, and once you go Mac, you can’t go back.
These days, the 41-year-old paranormal spirit meanders throughout the halls of MetLife Stadium, demonizing a franchise that once referred to him as a friend…
7. Dan Quinn (Smoke Rating: 8.3)
Given the criteria of this list, it’s only natural that our top ten includes the “Host of Hotlanta.” For context, the former Seattle Seahawks defensive coordinator has a very Johnny Sins/knockoff brand Steve Austin look to him. Once you hear that glass shatter, the pipe’s coming.
Only setback: During research, I noticed he was born on September 11th, which could turn birthday sex—an American staple—into a relatively problematic, ethical dilemma.
6. Ron Rivera (Smoke Rating: 8.7)
With a nickname like “Riverboat Ron,” there’s really not much else to say.
5. Mike Tomlin (Smoke Rating: 8.8)
In recent weeks, many have chastised the lack of racial diversity as it relates to head coaching in the NFL. With that in mind, I would just like to clarify that I am an equal-opportunity blogger who a.) doesn’t see color; b.) has black friends; and c.) voted for Obama in 2012…
That said, the two-time Super Bowl winner customarily exudes a rather stoic, reassuring demeanor on the gridiron; however, attempting to trip Jacoby Jones during a kick return in 2013, as well as overlooking his all-pro quarterback’s sexual assault allegations reveals an eclectic sense of humor that women can’t resist.
A lot has been said concerning Tomlin’s inability to control a locker room, but one would assume that propensity for lawlessness translates to his hip game, which is just another reason why he’s so high on this list.
Once you go black, you don’t go back so there’s really only one thing left to do: head up to the bedroom, throw on some Ja Rule Pandora, peel back that steel curtain and spin the chamber…
4. Kliff Kingsbury (Smoke Rating: 9.1)
This is where things get controversial. Obviously Kingsbury’s a rocket but I can’t allow recency bias to interfere with my appraisal process. The potential is clearly there, but the bottom line is that Kingsbury hasn’t proven himself under the big lights yet.
Strictly speaking, any smooth talking 30-something with Ray-Bans and a flock of styling products can look good running board drills in the Big 12. Let’s see what happens when the training wheels are off in front of 65,000 in Glendale.
3. Pete Carroll (Smoke Rating: 9.3)
The 61-year-old, gum smacking 9/11 truther elects to run the ball into the three spot on our list, and for good reason. Most would assume someone who qualifies for the senior discount menu at Denny’s would have no business flirting with the iron in a ranking like this, but the 13-year vet can run with the wolves any day of the week.
When it comes down to it, age is only a number. Salt and pepper hair plays in this day and age and if you need any further proof of that, look no further than his tenure at USC, where he garnered the nickname “Big Balls Pete.”
2. Sean McVay (Smoke Rating: 9.6)
The last time a McVay was this high on a list, the FBI’s Joint Terrorism Task Force was turning over stones in Oklahoma City. The second-year media darling has not only taken the league by storm for his imaginative, new age playcalling, but also for his looks.
Kingsbury’s arrival in Arizona officially puts McVay on cuck watch, but as it stands, that’s a porno we’ve yet to see.
1. Bill Belichick (Smoke Rating: 10)
Okay, so I know what you’re thinking: “Joe, this is some serious home cooking. Everyone knows the only reason Belichick’s ranked number one is because you’re a biased Patriots fan.”
And yes, I can understand how one could arrive at that conclusion. In fact, I was probably just as—if not more—surprised than you were, but you must remember: These results were calculated through a completely impartial appraisal process.
I simply ran the numbers and published the results. I would NEVER compromise journalistic integrity in favor of such a gratuitous agenda.
Suggesting I did otherwise—like, perhaps spy on the other candidate’s point totals before assessing Belichick’s—would be to insinuate I’m a cheater, which is utterly deflating. Everyone knows one of the worst things you can be in life is a cheater. Luckily I’m not one, nor do I root for anyone who is…
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)
P.S. Go Pats… #NoDaysOff