So yesterday was Wild Card weekend. As a Patriots fan, it was yet another foray into the realm of mediocrity. Just an opportunity to watch a bunch of grocery stick teams claw their eyes out for a shot at inevitable irrelevancy.
I’m not a big Star Wars guy, but living in New Englan, these are the times where I feel like I’m Darth Vader looking out my tackily oversized window, scanning the conflicts across the galaxy. Just sitting up here watching Tatooine getting militaristically raped and thinking, “You guys can fight all you want but you gotta come up here sometime.” That’s just sort’ve been the situation in the NFL over the past 16 years. Battle all you want, but the Death Star is still just fucking sitting up there. Man your battle stations and let’s dance…
As I discussed in my previous blog, the former San Diego Chargers will do just that, and in an effort to appear relatively humble, I think it’ll be a solid game. I’ve always been a huge fan of Bowtie Phil and it would be great to see him and Antonio Gates make a run in the twilight of their career. The only issue is that there’s another certain someone entering the twilight of their career who I have a bit of time and effort invested in (hint: he passionately hooks up with his son).
So yeah, it’ll be a fun matchup and I’m sure I’ll dive into a bit more detail later in the week but this blog is more or less about something else: the dickheads who are mercilessly ripping Cody Parker over last night.
For the record, I’m a passionate fan who normally aligns themself with the whole narrative that these athletes who make enough money to manipulate the weather should have to sack up and deal with the harsh criticism. When Cam Newton walked out of his press conference after the Super Bowl, I ripped him to shreds. If you can’t face the music, play overseas or something.
That said, Cody Parker’s a fucking kicker. I’ve long said that kicker’s have the worst job in professional sports. It’s one of the rare positions in all of sports where you can succeed roughly 98% of the time and get tagged as a gutless, weak-minded bum.
For those keeping score at home, the winning score last night was 16—not necessarily an elite offensive output. Say what you want, but I’ll be damned if I blame the fucking kicker in a game where my “team” threw up 15 fucking points. The reason I put “team” in quotations is because Parkey was responsible for 9 of those because that offense was too sluggish to pump a couple into the end zone against the 23rd ranked defense in the league.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, yes, Cody Parker deserves some vitriol for missing that 43-yarder last night; however, grow the fuck up. I get “the guy has one job” but so does everyone else. He deserves some criticism but to tar and feather this dude Game of Thrones-style is just a total lack of accountability.
And I didn’t want to do this because I like the guy but Nick Foles’ carpet roll dick juice ran out a bit as well. Dude was nails when it counted but two picks and a 16-point output shouldn’t be enough to justify a win—especially one in the Wild Card.
I’m still nervous though…
P.S. I guess the kick was tipped, anyway…
– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)