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Throwback Thursday: Think Paris Hilton Gives A Fuck That Tom Brady May Be On The Decline?

Anyone who is anyone grew up with Paris Hilton. 2007 was peak time for celebrities. We had Lindsay Lohan blacked out in the car:

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Britney Spears shaving her head and vandalizing a car:

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Mental breakdowns were all the rage as a teenager in the 2000’s. It was cool to be unstable, and that combined with the onset of emo music created a monster that is the older female millennial generation. It was a simpler time, a simple life if you will….

The glue that has always held everything together is Paris Hilton. Just completely and utterly herself at all times. Everyone is freaking out that Gronk is physically unable to tie his shoes by himself and that Tom Brady is finally falling off that cliff. You think Paris Hilton gives a shit? She hasn’t changed since the year 2002. She inspired an entire generation of women aim to be inherently rich and think everything is about them.

Every cool girl in the 2000’s went through a “that’s hot” phase where it’s literally said to every single thing anyone said to you. Teachers giving a lesson on the periodic table…that’s hot. Mom showing you her brand new pair of Sketchers…that’s hot. It’s an iconic catch phrase and still plays to this day. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie were serving us reality TV comedy before everything was totally scripted. They paved the way for the Kardashians, some might say Paris even discovered Kim Kardashian, and we will have to forgive her for that.

And then we went through an emotional rebuilding phase. Lindsay was on house arrest with an ankle monitor. Britney’s dad still had her conservatorship and Kevin Federline had primary custody of their kids. We needed to take a break from everything. Get our shit together, collectively.

But Paris never had any problems, and it proves that a certain amount of money can make you truly happy. Cash Money records signed Paris and she released a song with Lil Wayne. Nothing truly reached the same heights as Stars Are Blind though, and Paris hadn’t really been in the news lately.

Most recently, she got engaged to some d-list actor with a 20 carat engagement ring worth $2 million dollars. It was exactly what Paris Hilton deserves and she certainly wasn’t going to contribute a dime for it.

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In a very shocking turn of events, Paris and her now ex-fiance did not make it down the aisle, and people are asking if she is going to give the ring back. I’m not sure on the policy of returning $2 million dollar engagement rings after less than a year, but if you think Paris Hilton is giving back this ring you’re dumber than she pretends to be. If you put a 20 carat ring in the hands of Paris Hilton, she owns it and good luck prying it out of her cold dead hands.

‘It’s mine,’ Paris, 37, told TMZ as she strolled into LAX with her old pal Brandon Davis on Boxing Day. ‘It was free,’ claimed the hotel heiress, contradicting the ring designer’s comments on the subject earlier this year. –Sameer Suri for Daily Mail

While TMZ was trying to snitch on Paris for keeping the ring, they also snapped this portrait of Paris Hilton that confirmed she is all the way back.

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Sneakers with flared sweatpants, a graphic sweatshirt that says ‘party animal’, bug eye sunglasses and a Yankees fitted? Is that a LL Bean monogrammed backpack? This picture was apparently taken in 2018 but it transported me all the way back to 2008.

Paris is having the biggest week of her career since the sex tape. She even attended the famous Kardashian/Jenner/West Christmas party and made amends with former peasant assistant Kim Kardashian.

She may have never left but I think we all need a little more Paris Hilton in our lives these days. As you can see in that video above, Paris shimmying, screaming “let’s do it!!!!” before sledding down a fake hill without jumpstarting a single brain cell is a reminder of those simpler times. Times where there were less awkward encounters discussing political beliefs and what’s morally right and wrong online with complete strangers, and more filling the awkward silences with a perfectly timed “that’s hot”

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@aliweitz

@badgalstoolie

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