For someone who hasn’t sniffed the front door of a real jewelry store in her life, I sure do have a lot of strong opinions on engagements. First I discouraged women from proposing to their boyfriends after seeing a terrible Jared’s commercial, and now I’m here to tell you that getting engaged over the holiday season is a dreadful idea. Call me Scrooge, but here me out.
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are the two most popular days for engagements, followed by New Years Eve (which is also included in the holidays). Unless you have some very personal connection to Christmas, proposing over the holidays is lazy and convenient. You’re ready to propose and you’re also struggling to think of what to get your lady for Christmas. Why not just feed two birds with one scone and do both at once!
When you get engaged on Christmas Eve, you probably don’t even open presents. You’re so busy staging the perfect Christmas tree Instagram announcement and pinteresting robe options for your bridesmaids to wear in the wedding day photo shoot. You have to text all of your friends and respond to every single congratulations comment on social media and then you probably look up and Christmas is over. You didn’t open any presents and you don’t even care!
Well that’s cheap. I’m sure millions of people get engaged on the 4th of July and they still get Christmas presents. You’ve definitely already bought all your gifts for him so after he proposes do you just sit and watch him open a 6 pack of wool socks?
People who have birthdays around Christmas are always so fucking bitter about it; and I get it. No one can come to your birthday party…it’s when everyone is at their poorest. I live in the birthday shadows of Barack Obama, but sharing a day with Jesus? Good luck.
Getting engaged on Christmas is something that you can avoid. Beyond the fact that it’s an easy way out…I want some choreography, a well thought out script and some minor tv production tactics for my proposal. If you propose to a girl on Christmas, you are basically taking a 50/50 shot at destroying the holidays for her forever. Don’t take those odds no matter how bad you owe your bookie.
Again, I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist. And 50% of marriages nowadays end in divorce. If you propose to a girl on Christmas or New Years, that’s always going to be her best holiday memory. Then in 10 years when she’s cleaned one too many skid marks out of your underwear while you nap in a recliner “watching” the Masters and you slowly fade out of love to the point where their mere presence drives you to contemplate murder, she looks back on Christmas as one of the worst days of her life.
If you get engaged on the second Thursday in June and your relationship doesn’t work out, I bet a few years go by and you forget the exact date. No one is putting up string lights and lawn decor to remind you of the day you got the most Instagram likes. If you get engaged over the holidays and it doesn’t work out, every little thing must annoy you. Seeing Love Actually on cable, mall Santas, peppermint lattes–where’s the joy in the simple Christmas pleasures anymore?
New Years Eve is potentially worse. Getting blackout on NYE ever year is only fun for so long. After 28 you kind of just want to order Dominos, watch House Hunters and pass out on the couch at 10:30. But if you’re re-living a failed engagement or marriage every New Years Eve, you’ve gotta commit to the blackout. As a friend you’d have to commit to the blackout, it’s just a lot of work for everyone involved.
And if you involve an adorable puppy or kitten in your proposal, you should be jailed. I know no one plans on fucking up or separating but until everyone can be a little better at that don’t bring an innocent animal into it. Every time you look into little Max’s eyes you have to think about it.
Moral of the story is if you are going to propose over the holidays just maybe wait until Easter. No one really cares about Easter anyways.