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Ru How To: Having The Sex Talk With Your Children

Welcome to another edition of Ru how to, I’m Ru.  Today I am going to walk you through having the sex talk with your children.  The sex talk, an important time in every young boy and girls life.  Remember parents they don’t know anything about sex or even where to find information about it.  They are clueless and you need to explain every little detail to them.  From pregnancy to sexual diseases and even cunnilingus.  It can be difficult to start these conversations and that’s ok, that is why you read Branded Sports and that is why you come to me, because I can guide you on your sex talk journey.  Sit back and relax and let’s take a ride together ladies and gentleman.  It’s time for the sex talk.

It’s time for the sex talk, your children are nervous, you are nervous and you’re not quite sure what to say.  You know it’s time to give them this long-awaited talk but where do you start?  How do you finish?  Do you tell them where to finish?  There seem to be as many questions as answers.  That’s fine.  Let’s take a few steps back and think about this.  You’re going to want to print out a many pictures as possible.  Pictures of STD’s, pictures of intercourse, pictures of love-making, real boobs, fake boobs, nipple clamps, pregnancy, crowning, sex toy’s and many others.  Visual aids are key and you can never go wrong with showing your child what you’re referring too.  Remember they don’t know what any of this stuff looks like or even where to find it, so it is up to you their parents to show them.

You have your pictures, you may think you’re ready to go but hold your horses!  You need to draw up a plan of where to begin.  You’re going to want to start with how babies are made, that is the easiest and least overwhelming thing to talk about.  After that you need to begin talking about STD’s how you get them, what they do and how they look.  Pictures will be very key here, show them all of the awful bumps and lumps you can get. Burn it into their brains.  After you talk STD’s it’s time to talk about sex.  The fun of sex, the greatness of sex and you’ll want to explain the different positions and kinds of sex.  You’re a dad after all and you know all about sex, am I right gents?!  We have our plan, let’s begin the talk.

Call your child into the kitchen.  Sit across from them at the table so you can assert dominance and make them feel inferior.  This is your talk and you’re in charge.  Explain how babies are made and where they come from.  Use your hands as visual aids.  Put your finger into a hole you make with your pointer finger and thumb.  This shows the male penis inserting into the female vaginal canal.  Be realistic and show one two maybe three pumps.  Grab hand soap.  Put it on the end of your finger to show the visualization of sperm.  Explain to him the sperm has a race to the egg but millions of people die in this race and there can only be one survivor.  Sometimes if mommy and daddy are unlucky enough there are two survivors.  He will be very into the conversation with all of the visual aids.  Now it’s time to move on to STD’s

Next, we’re talking herpes and the clap.  Make sure you show him what everything look’s like and how girls won’t like a man with these diseases.  Make sure you tell him only a condom will prevent this and that’s not even fully effective.  Show him picture’s of Tom Hanks in Philadelphia when he got HIV.

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That’ll show him what sex can do, he will understand there’s always a chance of this when you’re having sex.  It’ll make him smarter and more careful as every good parent should make their child.  Share a few stories about close calls and when you had ball itch for the first time.  These will give him memories everytime he is about to have sex and will remind him to put a condom on.  Your child is fully aware of STD’s now it’s time to finish this off with a conversation about the beauty of sex.

We have reached the end of our journey, the greatness of sex.  After showing your child hundreds of pictures of awful diseases caused by sex he will want to know the beauty of sex.  Show him pictures of this as well.  I would say use professional pictures because they get the best angles.  Show him the different positions tell him your favorites and what usually is liked the best by his mother so he will know for when it’s his time.  This will help in your child’s sexual development knowing what you do to please your partner.

Maybe you have more than one partner maybe you swing, tell your child this, show them that in 2018 many people explore different fetishes.  He shall not be ashamed if he’s into some kinky stuff, tell him about that time you and his mother went to that club you always talked about but never thought you’d go too.  The one with the bright neon sign and a totally black front.  “Escapades” it’s called.  You went in there just to check it out but you didn’t know it would lead to everything it lead too.  Before you knew it a man named Jerome was grabbing your wife and a woman named Janet was riding you like a bull at a Texas rodeo.

You don’t know how these things happened but they did.  You lived life and you won’t be shamed for it.  Your friends won’t understand so you don’t tell them but you know you’ll go to your grave with that memory, maybe even sometimes you and your wife remember it to enjoy each other for the night before the dawning of the sun comes up to bring on another day of hell where you think about ending it all just to avoid going to work, but you don’t.  Because you have a wife, and a child and that is all that matters.  Tell him all of that and be very detailed.  It will help him understand everything. That’s it that’s the sex talk.  Be with God my friends and talk to your children, use my steps and there will be no problems and your child will feel enlightened.  Enjoy your day and enjoy your children, they only have us for so long.

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Nick Ru View All

Let me wobble back to my corner, Joe Pa knew.

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