I Stuffed The Judicial System In My Back Pocket Today…

Joey Boats

So yeah, yesterday was Wednesday—which should be my day off if I wasn’t an absolute beast—and I was feeling dangerously close to invincible. So much so, that I feel like Bradley Cooper in that movie, Limitless; only instead of glorified Adderall, I’m hopped up on imported Columbian narcotics and Fresca.

Anyway, I had my day in court today. For the record, this particular hearing had nothing to do with the Vietnamese prostitute ring I definitely don’t run, but rather, an incident where I was pulled over without car insurance.

For the record, I did in fact have car insurance; however, I guess GEICO requires you to notify the RMV of an insurance transition on your own time. Long story short, I never did that (my mistake). And as much as I admire GEICO’s marketing department—especially that lawn mowing ad that makes absolutely ZERO sense on any level—it would be great if that little green blockheaded son of a bitch would mention that in a commercial or two.

So yeah, I was in the wrong and I knew it, but if there’s one thing I also know, it’s this: I’m the best. If I learned anything from my past vending machine experiences, I’m not going to let the big guy push me around. Stuff like this is how tyranny manifests and I refuse to capitulate in the face of corruption.

Everyone said the same thing: “Joe, just eat the fine. You were wrong. Take your medicine. You’re one guy. Just give up…”

Well let me ask you a question: Do you think Hitler just gave up when he was rejected from art school? Of course not! He dug his cleats in, navigated his way up a calamitous political structure and became the Chancellor of Germany during one of the worst economic recessions in world history. Did he quit then? No! He pulled up his pants, made a few economic adjustments and brought them out of that shit. Just a true underdog, feel good story…

So yeah, I wasn’t about to just take my ball and go home. I walked into that courthouse smelling like an ATM machine/looking like Al Pacino in Scent of A Woman. Heads were turning…

Side Story: When I arrived, I sat down next to this dude who seemed particularly keen on having an agitated conversation with me. For context, this dude was your routine psycho—ranting loud enough for the entire room to hear, angry at authority, repeatedly bobbing his head as if listening to early 2000s Limp Bizkit. In other words, he was my my kind of people…

Here’s how our conversation went (keep in mind that this guy was talking like he just got rung up on multiple homicide charges):


Normal Guy: “Yo man, you can’t let em’ play you like that, bruh. These fuckas’ll leash you up for some weak shit if you don’t hold your ground.”

Me: “Sure.”

Normal Guy: “Nah, for real man, if you walk in there like a bitch, they’ll lock you up on some bullshit. Real talk…”

Me: “Sure. Just out of curiosity, what’re you here for?”

Normal Guy: “Parking violation…”

Me: “Damn fam lmao I’m rollin”

Side Story (X2): After I escaped the clutches of that conversation, I proceeded to speak with one of the state policeman in the waiting room. He was a very nice guy and seemed open to conversation so I did what any functioning component of society would do in that situation: I offered him advice on how to improve law enforcement…

As most of you know, I’m a genius. I’m constantly thinking of how to improve the world and I created a way to eliminate highway speeding forever; therefore, I extended my idea.

Whenever I’m cruising down the highway, there are always these periodic lapses in traffic speed, and every time, it’s due to a state police car being parked on the side of the road. If the state police department really want to prevent speeding, why not just post empty police cars every 5-10 miles on the road? You don’t even need to stick an engine in them. Just throw a frame with fake tires behind some brush. Every 5th or 6th car can be occupied to heat check the assholes who want to spin the chamber. Problem solved

Back to my shitty story: I dominated my hearing on both ends of the court (pun intended). Along with being incredibly smart, funny, attractive, generous, empathetic, altruistic, and attractive, one of my best characteristics is that I can turn on the charm at any moment—people say the same thing about geniuses, sociopaths, and serial killers by the way—and did I ever. Absolutely smoked out the room with charisma, which goes to show that the little guy still has a voice. Make sure to thank me for my service…

P.S. For what it’s worth, Marissa Tomei as Mona Lisa Vito in My Cousin Vinny is probably my all-time movie crush…

– Joey Boats (@joey_boats)

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