Patrick Mahomes may be this years MVP, but his stance on condiments is hot garbage.
— Hunt’s Ketchup (@HuntsChef) December 19, 2018
After months of profusely working the ketchup storyline into his press coverage, Patrick Mahomes finally landed an endorsement with a ketchup company. That part is a savvy move for Mahomes. If I ever got famous enough, I would just keep continually talking about the stuff that I love in hopes that they would give me free shit. I’ve been low key doing this for 15 years with Dunkin Donuts. If one day I get finally get my big break, Dunkin Donuts will be knocking down my door for an endorsement deal. I cannot actually knock the hustle.
The only problem is the ketchup company he chose is fucking gross. The only time that’s acceptable to eat Hunt’s is when confronted with the dilemma of no ketchup or Hunt’s ketchup. People are very sensitive when it comes to ketchup and it’s a very hot button topic in today’s society. The brand of ketchup that you align yourself with says a lot about who you are as a person. Heinz people wear those 57 varieties as a badge of honor; they are loyal, classy as fuck, and love America. People who like Hunt’s are social misfits.
The commercial shows Mahomes doing curls with an 8 pound weight, using his arm to squeeze ketchup onto his macaroni and cheese. Earlier in the year Mahomes was on the hot seat for saying he puts ketchup on steak and macaroni and cheese. Look I love ketchup as much as the next bitch but it does not belong on steak or mac and cheese. And the way he’s just letting the ketchup all pile up and go to waste? It’s vile. A true ketchup guy wouldn’t do that, no matter the paycheck he’s getting.
If I were Mahomes and Hunt’s approached me about doing a partnership I would leak the information to Heinz just to give them the idea and do it with them. A Heinz ketchup collab elevates you to Super Bowl caliber. A Hunt’s commercial gets you eliminated in the divisional round when Andy Reid wastes all his timeouts with 10 minutes left in the 3rd quarter.
Let’s let Twitter tell the story. Hunt’s has 5,338 followers. I was shocked to see over 5,000 people follow a ketchup company on Twitter. Then I went to see how many followers Heinz had…
The people’s choice of ketchup is definitively Heinz. It says it right in their bio who the fuck they are if you already didn’t know. America’s favorite ketchup. It’s trademarked so it has to be correct.
What Heinz needs to do in this situation is get in a Twitter beef with Hunt’s immediately. Throw the gloves off. You didn’t get the title America’s Favorite Ketchup trademarked to not push your weight around on the internet a little bit. Sign Mitch Trubisky and let him wear a ketchup sweater to a press conference.
I can rest easy now that we have finally found Patrick Mahomes’ biggest weakness.